SUNDAY JOKES - 139

 

A store manager Bob stopped by a small manufacturing plant he spotted during his last trip to this part of the countryside in the hopes of gaining another client in the area.

However, little did Bob know that the plant manager was going to be a tough customer to please.

With a broad smile and a reassuring tone, Bob handed the plant manager a beautiful box of cigars as a gift but the man barely gave it a sideways glance before he said, "No cigars for me, thank you. I smoked one once and it was horrible."

So, Bob offered to take the plant manager out for a few beers but again the suggestion missed the mark.

"No alcohol for me, thank you. I drank it once, and it was horrible."
Not ready to give up just yet, Bob got a bright idea as he looked out the window and saw people playing golf.
"That's quite alright," he told the plant manager.
"How about you come and play a round of golf at my club as my personal guest?"
However, for the third time, Bob's luck struck out, as the plant manager replied,

"No golf for me, thank you. I played the sport once and it was horrible.

"The plant manager had barely finished his sentence when a young man joined them at the table.
"Let me introduce my son, Jason," the plant manager said. 

Surprised, Bob gave the young man a glance before he replied,

"Let me guess, he is your only child?"



Young Maiden: "Yes, I've been asked many times to get married."
Friend: "Really, who's asked you?"
Young Maiden: "My mother and father."

 

A father took his eight-year-old daughter to work on "Take your kid to Work Day"
As they were walking around the office the girl started crying and got very upset.

As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly and said "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with!"

The first-time dad was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food all over the baby.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband, who is just staring at the wall and says, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm just waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another!"

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me, you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... the asshole is usually in charge!

Having been playing outside with his friends, a small boy came into the house and asked: “Grandma, what is it called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
His grandma was surprised to hear such a forthright question from a six-year-old but decided to answer as honestly as she could. “Well,” she said hesitantly, “it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh, okay,” said the boy and he ran outside to carry on playing with his friends.
A few minutes later, he came back in and said angrily: “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk bed. And Jimmy’s mom would like a word with you!”



A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong!"

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I can send you a form to complete and tell you where to report for work on your first day. Taken aback, the man protests that he has neither a computer nor an e-mail address. To this the MS manager replies, "Well, then, that means that you virtually don't exist and can therefore hardly expect to be employed.
Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having only $10 in his wallet, he decides to buy 10 kilos of tomatoes at the supermarket. Within less than 2 hours, he sells all the tomatoes individually at 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 before going to sleep that night. And thus, it dawns on him that he could quite easily make a living selling tomatoes. Getting up early every day and going to bed late, he multiplies his profits quickly.
After a short time, he acquires a cart to transport several dozen boxes of tomatoes, only to have to trade it in again so that he can buy a pick-up truck to support his expanding business. By the end of the second year, he is the owner of a fleet of pick-up trucks and manages a staff of a hundred formerly unemployed people, all selling tomatoes.
Planning for the future of his wife and children, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. At the end of the telephone conversation, the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically. When the man replies that he has no e-mail, the adviser is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? How on earth have you managed to amass such wealth without the Internet, e-mail and e-commerce? Just imagine where you would be now, if you had been connected to the Internet from the very start!"
After a moment of thought, the tomato millionaire replied, "Why, of course! I would be a floor cleaner at Microsoft!"

Moral of this story:
1. The Internet, e-mail and e-commerce do not need to rule your life.

2. If you don't have e-mail but work hard, you can still become a millionaire.

3. Since you got this story via e-mail, you're probably closer to becoming a janitor than you are to becoming a millionaire.

4. If you do have a computer and e-mail, you have already been taken to the cleaners by Microsoft!

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