THURSDAY JOKES - 138

 

Yossi and Janine, an elderly couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and this plane will be going down in a few minutes' time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So, the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. 

"Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course."
"Janine, is our life insurance policies paid up?"
"Of course."
"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the church appeal?"
"Oh my God, I forgot to send off the cheque."
"Thank Heavens! They'll find us for sure!"

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole-cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So, we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."
So, the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.
When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before!"

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."
The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear!"

  

Two babies were sitting in their cribs, when one baby shouted to the other, "Are you a little girl or a little boy?"
"I don't know," replied the other baby giggling.
"What do you mean, you don't know?" said the first baby.
"I mean I don't know how to tell the difference," was the reply.

"Well, I do," said the first baby chuckling, "I'll climb into your crib and find out". He carefully got himself into the other baby's crib, then quickly disappeared beneath the blankets. After a couple of minutes, he resurfaced with a big grin on his face. "You're a little girl and I'm a little boy," he said proudly.

"You're ever so clever," cooed the baby girl, "but how can you tell?"

"It's quite easy really," replied the baby boy, "I've got a willy but not you!"

 

A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."     

"My dear", the therapist said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is", she complained, "it wakes me up!"

A teacher asked her class to write on "What's the bravest thing your dad has done?"

A student wrote... "My dad married my mom!"

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?

He was just going through the stage!

A guy walked into a doctor's clinic and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So, she took down his name, address, and medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." So, she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told him to wait in the examination room.

A half-hour later, a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." She gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "shingles." The doctor said, "Where?" He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?" 

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