TUESDAY JOKES - 138

 

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech.
"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow as everyone else does!"

I don't like cell phones. I'm never sending another text message as long as I live because I don't like a phone that tries to predict the words I'm trying to send to people. Cause I move quickly. Last week I ended up sending a text that read, "Hey baby, I had a great night. I hope you have a home day. But I meant to text, you should get tested!"

Q: Why do blonde nurses bring red magic markers to work?
A: In case they have to draw blood.

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!"
Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, DeNephew!

An old man went to the college that he went to when he was a youth. He knocked on room number 3 of the hostel and said:
"May I come in. I lived in this very room thirty years ago when I studied in this college".
A young man opened the door and let him in.
The old man examined the room, fondly remembering everything.
He said, "The same old room, the same old wooden table, the ventilator, and the same old window that opens to the garden. And the same old bed."
When examining it he found a young girl under the bed.
The young man got alarmed and said, "Don't mistake me. She is my sister. She dropped her earring and is searching for it."
The old man said, "And the same old story..."

Teacher: “What is the difference between ‘Tea’ and ‘Tee’?

Student: "The first one is a drink and the second is an incorrect spelling!"

"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said the teacher.
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy, confidently. "Means carrying a child!"

George was planning on going out with "the Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."
George: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"
So, after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK to go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.
George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.
George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"
Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.
Bill: "All you got to do is have a RM 20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 ringgit to get the shirt cleaned."
So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.
George's wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"
George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 ringgit to have it cleaned."
His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two RM 20 bills.
George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20-ringgit bill come from?"

George: "Oh, that's from the guy who shit in my pants!"

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