THURSDAY JOKES - 152

 

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."
The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"
The first little old lady says, "Look at that."
"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."
"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."
"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."
"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."
"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."
"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."
"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."
"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

NED: I saw Pope Francis kneeling over.

ED: Is he OK?

NED: Yeah, he's just praying. Don't worry, everything's pope-ascetic!

 

What did the teen tell his doctor upon waking up in the hospital during a thunderstorm?

He thought he was safe from the lightning because he was "grounded".

 

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. 

The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"

"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe!"

 

A woman walks into a butcher's shop.
She says to the butcher: "How much is that cow's head in the window?"

The butcher replies: "I'm sorry Madam, that's not a cow's head, that's a mirror!"

 

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new partner looked a bit disappointed but then said well that's okay, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my willy; I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge willy flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 12 inches, 4 1/2 pounds!

 

"It takes Bill a day and a night to tell a story."
"He'd make a good bookkeeper, I should think."
"Why do you say that?"
"He's never short on his accounts."

There's a carrot, a tomato and a willy. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake and eaten."

The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad and eaten".

Then the willy said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".

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