FORGIVENESS

 

Many people think of forgiveness as letting go or moving on. But there is more to it than that. True forgiveness goes a step further, offering something positive - empathy, compassion, understanding - toward the person who hurt you. That element makes forgiveness both a virtue and a powerful construct in positive psychology.

Outside scientific circles, though, many people are a bit confused about the concept. One common but mistaken belief is that forgiveness means letting the person who hurt you off the hook. Yet forgiveness is not the same as justice, nor does it require reconciliation. A former victim of abuse should not reconcile with an abuser who remains potentially dangerous, for example. But the victim can still come to a place of empathy and understanding. Whether you forgive or do not forgive is not going to affect whether justice is done. 

Another misconception is that forgiving someone is a sign of weakness. To say that means that the person has not tried it. And there may be very good reasons to make the effort. Research has shown that forgiveness is linked to mental health outcomes such as reduced anxiety, depression and major psychiatric disorders, as well as with fewer physical health symptoms and lower mortality rates. In fact, researchers have amassed enough evidence of the psychological benefits of forgiveness to fill a book.

Researchers believe that stress relief is probably the chief factor connecting forgiveness and well-being. We know chronic stress is bad for our health. Forgiveness allows us to let go of the chronic interpersonal stressors that cause us an undue burden.

While stress relief is important, there are other important mechanisms by which forgiveness works its magic. One of those is "toxic" anger. There is nothing wrong with healthy anger, but when anger is very deep and long-lasting, it can do a number on us systemically. When you get rid of anger, your muscles relax, you are less anxious, you have more energy and your immune system will strengthen.

Forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem. When you stand up to the pain of what happened to you and offer goodness to the person who hurt you, you change your view of yourself. As with any human trait, some people are naturally more forgiving than others. Research shows that more forgiving types tend to have higher levels of agreeableness and lower levels of neuroticism. People who have a tendency to ruminate are generally less quick to forgive since they are more likely to hold onto grudges or hurt feelings. People who have a religious faith also seem to have an upper hand in forgiving. Every religion values forgiveness.

People who had greater levels of accumulated lifetime stress exhibited worse mental health outcomes. Unfortunately, many people give up too soon and conclude they are just not forgiving. But people should keep trying, even when it is hard. A natural resurgence of unforgiving feeling is normal. It is like having a piece of cake during a diet. Just because you have a setback does not mean you are an unforgiving person.

Forgiveness is often an important feature in couples' therapy. In this context, exploring forgiveness often means couples have to face the hurt and betrayal and address it head-on so they feel safe enough to move on. That 'look backward' concept can be a departure from many popular psychotherapy models, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy, which tends to focus on the present. It is important to revisit the past in order to forgive and move forward. Sometimes it is worthwhile to go back to historical events and process them on a deeper level, with couples and with individuals. If you are too focused on the present, you will forget about the past influence in the present.

Despite the proven benefits of moving on, forgiveness can be a hard concept for some people to embrace. It can feel unfair to have to put in the effort to forgive when the other person was the one in the wrong. But that is life!

Without our deserving it, we can experience thunderous injustices. The injury was unfair, the person who created it was unfair. But forgiveness can heal that feeling of unfairness! 

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