SUNDAY JOKES - 162

 

A new Mercedes vehicle owner was out on an interstate road for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. "There isn't any way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110, and finally 120 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull-over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

 

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her!"

It was a disastrous year for the farmers. The snow fell and fell until the government relief agency had to step in and lend a helping hand.
"It must have been terrible," said the government man to a farmer. "All that snow."
"Could have been worse," calmly answered the farmer. "My neighbour had more snow than me."
"How's that?" asked the government man.

"More land!" replied the farmer.

 

Three old men were sitting around and talking. 

The 80-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again."

The 85-year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90-year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7 am!

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and the well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch, and slept for an hour. 

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with the indoor cleaning.

I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom. With dismay, I knew what would happen when his muddy boots step onto my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down some newspapers for you."

"That's all right, Lady," he responded. "I'm already trained!"

 

It’s my wife’s birthday soon and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
She'll be happy to know that I got her hint.
I bought her a magazine rack!

 

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.
Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the non-officers Club. Let us go in."
"But we're privates," protested Jasper. "We're sergeants now," said Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, I'm going to sit down and have myself a drink."
"But we're privates," said Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" said Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So, they had their drink, and pretty soon a hooker came up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So, Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary hospital with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why did you give me the okay sign?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea acts only on the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now!"

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