TUESDAY JOKES - 166

 

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car. He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go to. So, he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get into the back, she shows him a huge weeping willow tree that they can hide under and says he can do whatever he wants to her. 

Under the tree, she shows him two branches that can prop her up and he has his way with her. When they finished, he dresses up and also dresses the girl, puts her back into the chair, wheels her to the front door, and knocks. When her father sees the young man, he thanks him. 

The boy feels very uncomfortable because of what he just did to the man's daughter and asks, "Why are you thanking me?" 

"Because son," the father answers, "You are the first boy to take her out of the tree!"

 

How do you make five pounds of fat look good? 

Put a nipple on it!

 

Bill Clinton is no longer playing the saxophone. 

He is now playing the whore-Monica!

 

Why do women have two sets of lips? 

One set to tell you off with, and the other to make you forget you're mad!

 

Why did Humpty Dumpty push his girlfriend off the wall?
So, he could see her crack!

 

A lady sitting in the dentist's chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of childbirth than have you drill in my mouth." 

The dentist replied, "Well, you better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair!"

 

A representative for a condom company is on her way to a convention. While rushing through the airport, she drops the briefcase containing her samples of condoms all over the floor. 

As she is stuffing all the condoms back into her briefcase, she notices tourists giving her crazy looks. 

"It's ok, she says, "I am doing a huge convention!"

 

Travelling through the country, an old couple drives into a petrol station. The attendant asks the old man, "Where are you folks from? I know everybody in this town." 

The old man says, "We're from Melaka." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?" 

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. 

The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Melaka." 

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?" 

The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama!"

 

A penguin takes his car to the shop, and the mechanic says he needs an hour to check it out. 

So, the penguin goes across the street to the 7-Eleven to kill some time and get ice cream. 

Since the penguin has no hands, the poor little guy gets the ice cream all over his beak. 

He returns to the mechanic and the guy tells him, "Looks like you blew a seal." "Oh no," says the penguin, "this is just a little ice cream!"

 

One day, little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. 

His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

 

A gay person walks into a pharmacy with his suppository prescription and approaches the front counter. 

He hands the prescription to the pharmacist and after confirming the prescription, the pharmacist asks him, "Okay sir, what kind of pills would you like?" 

The guy looks around and over the shoulder of the pharmacist, and spots something he wants. He points at the wall and says, "I'll take that kind right there!" 

The pharmacist looks at what he is pointing at and says, "Sorry sir, but you can't have that. It's our fire extinguisher!"

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