TUESDAY JOKES - 164

 

Sabah, Malaysia

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you. "The barber puts a ringgit bill in one hand and a fifty sen coin in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the fifty sen coin and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!" Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream palour. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the fifty sen coin instead of the ringgit bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied: "Because the day I take the ringgit note the game is over!

A man is flying in a hot-air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon farther and shouts, "Excuse me! Can you tell me where I am?" The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot-air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field." "You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.  "I am," replies the man. "How did you know?" "Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone." The man below says, "You must be in management." "I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going, but you expect me to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now you think it is my fault.

 

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend”.  She requested that he shaves his beard.  “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”  James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!"  “Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…  “Really, I can’t,” he replied.  “My wife loves this beard!!”  The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.  That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, 

*

“Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!” 

 

A climber fell off a cliff, and, as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch. "Help! Is there anybody up there?" he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: "I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me." "Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. "Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, "Is there anybody else up there?"

 

A Malaysian businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The Malaysian complimented the fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The fisherman replied that it only took a little while. The Malaysian then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The fisherman said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The Malaysian then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?" The fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, señor." The Malaysian scoffed. "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles, and eventually to New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise." The fisherman asked, "But how long will this all take?" To which the Malaysian replied, "Fifteen to twenty years." "But what then?" The Malaysian laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions." "Millions? Then what?" The Malaysian said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your friends!" 

 

"Make me one with everything," says the Buddhist to the tofu hot dog vendor. Then, after getting his tofu hot dog, the Buddhist hands the vendor a RM 20 bill. The vendor takes the money and begins serving the next customer. The Buddhist looks puzzled and asks the vendor, "Where is my change?" The vendor replies, "Change comes from within!"

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.  The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.  For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylight out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."  The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years!"  

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered, "Sure, why not."  So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up! 

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