TUESDAY JOKES - 165

 

Boat Club, Miri Beach, Miri, Sarawak

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. 

Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. 

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" "Nine minutes!"

 

A man, his wife and son travel to the city on their first ever vacation. They visited a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is). As they watched, an elderly lady walked into the strange silver doors and the doors close. The father and son watches as the numbers go up and then back down. When the doors opened, a beautiful young woman walked out. The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

 

Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? 

A: A chalkboard!

 

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit? 

A: Fingernails!

 

Q: Why are hairdressers never late for work? 
A: Because they know all the short cuts!

 

Q: Why did the old woman put roller skates on her rocking chair? 

A: Because she wanted to rock and roll!

 

A Spanish captain was walking on his ship when a soldier rushes to him and exclaims, "An enemy ship is approaching us!" 

The captain replies calmly, "Go get my red shirt." 

The soldier gets the shirt for the captain. The enemy ship comes in and heavy rounds of fire are exchanged. Finally, the Spaniards win. 

The soldier asks, "Congratulations sir, but why the red shirt?" The captain replies, "If I got injured, my blood stain shouldn't be seen, as I didn't want my men to lose hope." 

Just then, another soldier runs up and says, "Sir, we just spotted another twenty enemy ships!" 

The captain calmly replies, "Go bring my white shirt!"

 

Tom was at the hospital visiting his best friend Larry who was dying. Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?" 

Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. 

That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom. "I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?" "There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

 

During an impassioned sermon about death and final judgment, the pastor said forcefully, "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment." Glancing down at the front pew, he noticed a man with a big smile on his face. The minister repeated his point louder. "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!" 

The man nodded and smiled even more. This really got the preacher wound up. He pounded the pulpit emphatically when he came to the ultimatum: "Each member of this church is going to die and face judgment!!!" 

Though everyone else in the congregation was looking somber, the man in front continued to smile. Finally, the preacher stepped off the platform, stood in front of the man and shouted, "I said each member of this church is going to die!" The man grinned from ear to ear. After the service was over, the preacher made a beeline for the man. "I don't get it," the preacher said in frustration. "Whenever I said, 'Each member of this church is going to die,' your smile got bigger. Why?" 

"I'm not a member of this church!" the man replied.

 

One day, 3 men died and went to heaven. "Religion?" God's secretary asked the first man.
"Catholic," the man replied.
"Okay, go to room 23, but be very quiet when you go past room 8," the secretary said.
"Religion?" he asked the second man.
"Hindu."
"Go to room 10, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Religion?" he asked the third man.
"Agnostic."
"Go to room 71, but be very quiet when you go past room 8."
"Why must I be quiet when I go past room 8?" the man asked.

The secretary replied, "Oh, the Muslims are in room 8, and they think that they are only ones here!"

  

Late one night, a preacher was driving on a country road and had a serious accident. A farmer stopped and said, "Sir, are you okay?" 

The preacher said, "Yes, I had the Lord riding with me." 

The farmer said, "Well, you better let Him ride with me because you're going to kill Him!"

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