TUESDAY JOKES - 333

 

Kilim Geoforest Park, Langkawi Island, Kedah, Malaysia

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off!

 

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
“You need to use ‘Big People’ words,” she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.
“I went to visit my Nana.”
“No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
“I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said “No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words.” She then asked little Alec what he had done.
“I read a book,” he replied.
“That’s WONDERFUL!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?”

Alec thought really hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, “Winnie the POO!”

 

A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ!

 

What do you call someone who refuses to fart in public?

A private tutor!

 

What did one butt cheek say to the other?

Together, we can stop this crap!

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So, Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!”

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down the Main Street.
“But officer.” the man began, “I can explain”.
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back…”
“But officer, I just wanted to say….”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”

“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom!”

 

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from!

 

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, “Honey, I shaved myself today.

Do you know what that means?” the boyfriend says, “Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again!”

 

What do you call a smiling Roman soldier with a piece of hair stuck between his front teeth?

A glad-he-ate-her!

 

A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs 500 ringgit.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs 1,000 ringgit because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.” Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs 2,000 ringgit.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss!”

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