Butt-man and Nabin the Boy-Wonder

Mohd Saiful Bukhari Azlan’s character has been decimated in the farcical sodomy trial against his former employer the Opposition leader, Anwar Ibrahim.

Most men would have been horrified at such infamy, but it appears Saiful is revelling in the attention, especially as the focus is on his posterior region. Even a proctologist would be envious of the attention he is receiving.

We haven’t arrived at the details of the alleged sexual advances from Anwar but thus far, we have enough material to fill volumes concerning Saiful’s sexuality, sexual preference, choice of single or multiple partners, sexual positions, personal hygiene, toilet habits, frequency of brushing teeth, regularity of bowel function and how he two-timed his fiancé.

Whilst everyone, even the village idiot, is aware that this case should have been thrown out ages ago, Prime Minister Najib Abdul Razak needs something to pin on Anwar, to prevent him from “capturing Putrajaya”.

To do another coup d'etat à la Perak would incur the wrath of many and is too risky. Moreover, Najib couldn’t identify a city for another MRT project and a charming princess willing to sell an unpopular plan to the unsuspecting public. Najib knows our failings and how we love to kow-tow to royals, who might one day dangle ‘datukships’ in our faces.

Melaka would have been fine, except that the Chief Minister has opted for the detested tram line and the stationary monorail.

Of greater importance is that the price for frogs has gone through the roof and there is hardly any money left in the kitty. That new oilfield discovery is handy, but it doesn’t translate into instant hard cash, which is the currency needed for purchasing frogs.

And so, all of Malaysia is dragged through this despicable trial. It is like going on a surreal tour through Najib’s innards.

But what the PM wants, he gets. It does not matter that the whole world views us with distaste, much like Saiful’s soiled undergarments.

A few days into the trial, we gasped in horror when we discovered that Saiful had multiple partners, that he had semen stains on the front and on the outside of his trousers and that he managed to ejaculate into himself.

So what happens when this trial is over? Many feel that the outcome is already determined and that Saiful would be a free man.

But would Saiful be able to get a job? No one in their right mind would want him in their premises, or near their daughters, or sons.

All is not lost. As his own semen was found in his anus, it must mean he has a long male appendage.

In which case, he would be most welcome in Budapest, Hungary and he could join LUXx, Hungary’s largest porn movie production company. Mind you, that's in the worst-case scenario and he really can't find any other job. The bright side though is that Saiful could rival Ron Jeremy, the famous US male porn star.

On visits home, Saiful can calm the easily excitable Malaysian public and say he is into ‘adult cinema’. Don’t ever mention porn. That's the territory of MCA's Chua Soi Lek!

And we could propose some names for movie productions.

There is ‘Saiful the one-eyed monster’ or ‘K.L. Vice’. How about ‘My Secret Life’ or ‘Homo Erectus’? There’s ‘Honey We Blew Up Your Anus’ or ‘How to Cheat on your Fiancé’. Instead of “He Said, She Said”, the film could even be called ‘He Said, He Said’ - to remind him of people giving evidence during the trial.

There’s ‘Trial of Passion’ or the more sedate ‘Sodomania II’. Many will like ‘The Rules of Attraction’, ‘Porn Academy’, ‘The Prince of Porn’, ‘The Juice is Loose’, ‘Caught From Behind’, ‘Anal Attraction; or even ‘The XXX Files: lust in CyberSpace”.

There’s always ‘Blowjob Fantasies I’. The film titles are endless.

But we underestimate the man. What if Saiful wants to repent for all his past sins? He could always team up with a certain prime minister who recently said that Malaysians must 'reject extremism from the followers of whatever religion' and help “save the world”.

That’s it then. The formidable duo can present themselves to the world as the new SuperHeroes.

Their outfits are copied from the Marvel comics, and the pair wear their semen stained briefs on the outside of their lycra suits, just like the real Batman (except Batman's was clean).

Their names? Butt-man and his sidekick, Nabin the Boy-Wonder.

The Boy-Wonder Nabin likes to shout “Holy CowHead” in between silat kicks.

It is rumoured that Catwoman might even make a special appearance. - Malaysia Chronicle