The Ninth of July

If they can pay RM1.8 million just for a ‘free’ Facebook website, surely the Government of Malaysia can pay that much for a Made-in-Malaysia movie. Let us imagine the dialogue between a local movie producer and the Minister of Arts and Culture when the local producer applies for a government grant to produce a Made-in-Malaysia movie. This is just imagination, mind you, and never happened nor could ever happen.

NO HOLDS BARRED

Raja Petra Kamarudin

Rice: Will you be showing how well Malaysia has developed under the Barisan Nasional government?

Producer: I did not plan on that but I suppose I could if you want me to. I could show scenes of Selangor and Penang.

Rice: No, Selangor and Penang cannot. Those are opposition states. You can only show scenes of the states that are under Barisan Nasional rule. You must also show the Petronas Twin Towers. We are very proud of our Twin Towers.

Producer: But isn’t the Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur, which is also under opposition control?

Rice: The opposition won only ten seats in Kuala Lumpur. We still won one seat, even though we cheated with the army votes. So Kuala Lumpur is not totally under opposition control, only 91% opposition.

Producer: Okay, if you say so. I can try to include the Twin Towers in the movie.

Rice: But make sure you show the Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur and not in Melaka like that other movie that they made…can’t remember what it was called now.

Producer: Oh, you mean that movie ‘Entrapment’ starring Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones.

Rice: Yes, that’s the one. Our Prime Minister was very angry about that.

Producer: Najib?

Rice: No, Dr Mahathir.

Producer: Oh, you mean the Prime Minister back in 1999 when the movie was first released.

Rice: No, I mean the Prime Minister now. He is still the Prime Minister…de facto Prime Minister.

Producer: I thought Rosmah is the de facto Prime Minister.

Rice: Rosmah is de facto 2. Dr Mahathir is de facto 1.

Producer: We have two de facto Prime Ministers?

Rice: Why not? After all we have two Finance Ministers…Finance Minister 1 and Finance Minister 2.

Producer: I see, so what does that make Najib then?

Rice: A very confused man…but never mind…please explain the synopsis of your movie…very briefly though. Your detailed paper can follow later.

Producer: It is basically a conspiracy theory movie.

Rice: Ah, I just love conspiracy theories. All Malaysians love conspiracy theories. Dr Mahathir talks about the Western capitalist conspiracies. Anwar Ibrahim talks about the Sodomy 1 and Sodomy 2 conspiracies. Everyone talks about conspiracies, especially that Blogger-in-Exile, Raja Petra. He is the biggest spinner of conspiracy theories. That’s why the people love to read Malaysia Today. They love fantasies involving conspiracy theories. Do you read Malaysia Today?

Producer: I’m afraid I don’t.

Rice: Never mind, even if you do you will say you don’t. Nobody admits that they read Malaysia Today. So what is this conspiracy theory about?

Producer: It is about the Opposition Leader being behind one politician named Abraham the Frog. The Opposition Leader sends Abraham to join the ruling party as a Trojan horse. Abraham then launches a Malaysian version of the Ku Klux Klan that we shall call Rogol or Perkosa or something like that…I have not decided yet.

Rice: Interesting. Frogs becoming horses.

Producer: Rogol or Perkosa is secretly a Brown Power Movement. They want all the non-brown people to be kicked out of the country and for power to be back in the hands of the brown people. It is like the Black Power Movement of the 1960s in America, except in this case the Black Power Movement and the Ku Klux Klan are one and the same.

Rice: Isn’t that a bit confusing?

Producer: No, we shall call it 1Malaysia. Both the Brown Power Movement and the Malaysian Ku Klux Klan become one…1Malaysia.

Rice: Sounds reasonable.

Producer: Abraham then creates trouble and the people become very angry with the government. Actually the government is not behind Abraham. The real mastermind is the Opposition Leader whom Abraham works for.

Rice: But don’t the people suspect anything?

Producer: No, because the previous Prime Minister is financing Abraham. So the people think that the government is behind Abraham. They don’t suspect the Opposition Leader.

Rice: So the previous Prime Minister and the Opposition Leader are working together then?

Producer: No, that is just the thing. The previous Prime Minister and the Opposition Leader are enemies.

Rice: But you said they are working together.

Producer: They are not. Abraham is secretly working for the Opposition Leader but openly working for the previous Prime Minister. He is like a double agent.

Rice: I see. So Abraham is secretly sabotaging the government then?

Producer: Yes, that right.

Rice: Ah, so he wants to bring down the government to allow the Opposition Leader to take over.

Producer: Not exactly. This is where the conspiracy theory gets more interesting and Abraham’s role as a double agent gets more complicating.

Rice: I see.

Producer: Actually, Abraham is pretending to work for both the Opposition Leader and the previous Prime Minister. He is really working for the Prime Minister.

Rice: I don’t get it.

Producer: The previous Prime Minister is secretly trying to bring down the Prime Minister so that his son can take over. So if Abraham can be linked to the previous Prime Minister that will get his son into trouble and he can’t take over as Prime Minister.

Rice: I see. So Abraham is suspected of secretly working for the Opposition Leader but is seen to be working for the previous Prime Minister whereas he is actually secretly working for the Prime Minister to sabotage the previous Prime Minister?

Producer: That’s about it.

Rice: So who wins in the end?

Producer: Ah, that is the real twist, which no one is going to suspect. You see, the Prime Minister’s wife is the real mastermind behind all this.

Rice: So now we have the Prime Minister’s wife also involved in the conspiracy?

Producer: Yes, but the previous Prime Minister is aware of this so he too sabotages the Prime Minister’s wife.

Rice: Ah, and how does he do this?

Producer: He asks all his cronies, the Chinese tycoons, to get close to the Prime Minister’s wife and to give her very expensive presents. So they buy her millions of dollars worth of Hermes Birkin handbags and eventually she has all the colours and more bags than Victoria Beckhem.

Rice: Is that enough to sabotage her?

Producer: Yes, then the mainstream newspapers show pictures of all her handbags and she is eventually dubbed as Malaysia’s Imelda Marcos and the people rise up in anger and march to the King’s palace and Kuala Lumpur becomes just like Egypt, Libya, Jordan, Yemen, Sudan, Syria and so on.

Rice: So the government falls and who takes over then? The Opposition Leader or the previous Prime Minister?

Producer: None of the above. The person who takes over will be Abraham. The people become fed up with both the government and the opposition so they reject both. They want an independent Member of Parliament to take over and since Abraham is an independent Member of Parliament he becomes the new Prime Minister.

Rice: A very interesting twist indeed. And what are you going to call this movie?

Producer: 'The Ninth of July': the day the people took to the streets to make Abraham the Frog the new Prime Minister of Malaysia.