Comic Relief

By Scapegoat Joe

The Cast:
High Court Judge Latuk Mohd. ZMD (Judge)
Latuk Seri AI (DSAI)
Defense Lead Counsel KS (King Kapal or KK)
Defense Lawyer SN (Ke Le Fe Lawyer or KLFL)
Allegedly being F-ed SBA (Saifool)
Prosecuting Lead Counsel Tan Sri AGP (AG)
Deputy Public Prosecutor FAL (FAL)

Judge: Order! Order!
DSAI: Er…kopi O kau, tarik kuat kuat!
KK: I also want but kosong. Remember, no sugar ah!
KLFL: Me too but I want mine with 5 sugar!
Saifool: Me three but mine with only 1 sugar. Got to take care of this body cos fat mama likes it the way it is.
AG: Me four!!!
Judge: Aiyah…order in the court lah! Not order drinks lah. You all think you are boss here, meh?
AG: Of course I am Taiko here. Remember that the ISA has not been repealed yet. You want to make Taiping your permanent home?
Judge: Soli lor… but do you remember that OUR Taiko just told us to kow-tim this case fast fast?
AG: Okay! Okay! No need to use him to “big” me, okay? No drinks mah no drinks lor. Something stuck up your twat? Okay! Okay! Let’s kow-tim this quick quick.
Saifool: Ya-lah…why talk so much? Now I must cancel all my appointments and I can sue you for loss of income!
Judge: You aquah just shut up and make sure that the cork is still stuck up you’re A-hole. If not I’ll come down and F you up your a-hole myself.
Saifool: (Drooling) Yes please…
KK: Hello…can we continue with this charade? It is bouncy here like mad already.
Judge: Okay lor! You in a hurry, meh? I thought lawyers charge by the hour? Okay, call in the first witness, Mr. Prosecutor!
AG: I call in Dr. X who only just graduated in medicine from Anti College in Tapah.
KK: Objection! Anti College in Tapah does not teach medicine and therefore Mr. X cannot be qualified as a doctor.
Judge: Overruled! Who say cannot? I got my law degree from Anti College also. What do you say, AG?
AG: (whispering to FAL) Girl, go kow-tim it immediately and don’t let Saifool distract you this time.
FAL: Okey dokey. I quickee callee LTL at MCA now.
AG: Baa…baa…black sheep have you any drool? Yes sir, No sir, three bags fool…
Judge: (Screaming) What the hell are you doing?
AG: Wasting time lor, what else? You stupid, meh?
FAL: (whispering to AG) Kow-tim already, sir!
AG: Gooooood… eh, uncle… no need to shout lor. Anti College is now qualified to teach medicine. Everything settled already!
Judge: (Addressing KK) You satisfied now, counsel?
KK: (Choking) WTF???
Judge: You may take the stand, Dr. X and stop making eyes at the AG.
AG: Dr. X, can you please tell the court whether semen specimens can tahan being stuck inside the A-hole for 56 days, or not? And whether you can still identify the DNA from it?
Dr. X: You say can mah can lor. Only depends on the number of zeros on the cheque mah.
KK: Objection!
Judge: Overruled. Dr. X, may I remind you that you are on the stand as a witness and your conduct must be proper…and stop playing with yourself!
Dr. X: Yessir. Okay, sir. No problem, sir.
Judge: (Screaming) Then go answer the F-king answer lah.
Dr. X: Sir, this is Boleh-Land and everything also Boleh.
AG: No more questions, Judge.
Judge: Defense, your turn to question the witness.
KK: How long have you practiced medicine?
Dr. X: My second day was when the AG personally ask me to test the semen samples for DNA.
KK: What did you do on your first day?
Dr. X: I was very lucky lor…I remember very clearly that I nearly overdosed a patient at Kampung Kepayang clinic. Everything written in English, where can understand? I spent six weeks qualifying to become a doctor, where got time to learn English? How I know mercury is dangerous?
Judge: Defense, you got anymore stupid questions or not?
KK: Only one, sir. (Addressing Dr. X) Sir, how come all the experts say that semen samples have deteriorated after 30 days that no DNA can be identified, but you say can even after 56 days?
Dr. X: I got pray a lot mah and Gawd told me so lor. What’s your problem, man? You don’t trust in Gawd meh? Tell them to take the Bible, Quran, Buddhist Scriptures, Torah and whatever they got in here and I will swear by them all.
KK: (Exasperated) No more questions, sir.
Judge: Then I pronounce DSAI guilty of all charges.
KK: But I still have 100 more witnesses to call…
Judge: All disqualified.
KK: But that Saifool still have not even taken the stand yet!
AG: Uncle, we are charging DSAI lor not Saifool the Complainant lor. We already got the sworn testimony of the Complainant from the cops….you don’t trust them, meh?
Judge: Court adjourned. Sentencing next week after I meet and discuss it with the AG (whispering) and after the cheque clears…