Apa lagi dia mahu?

Praba Ganesan is Parti Keadilan Rakyat's Social Media Strategist. He wants to engage with you, and learn from your viewpoints. You can contact him atprabaganesan@hotmail.com or follow him on Twitter @prabaganesan

What would a man who’s just won — according to the commission that is accountable to him alone — the most contentious general election in the history of Malaysia still want? Does Prime Minister Najib Razak not have it all?

A country, a wife and children who graduated from overseas universities, and even a doctorate or two. Surely, the time is seemingly not here to ask that question, the elusive one that escapes most Malaysians except for this lone columnist stationed in a cybercafe filled with teenagers (and I swear two nine-year-olds at midnight!).

Does Najib still need something? Something more than thumbtacks and basic office stationery?

Well, when questions are asked, then answers can appear quite quickly too, especially when they are manufactured with the environmental standards of Lynas. Indeed in the longstanding traditions of columns with quickfire but highly suspect responses, here you have it, the things that Najib may arguably desire (may I add, with the curiosity of a nine-year-old playing computer games at midnight at a cybercafe).

More Chinese in the Cabinet

It is maddening that while everyone is hurling all kinds of abuse at the prime minister, some say 51 per cent of the country, the man behind 1 Malaysia (depending on who you ask, preferably not Najib) is standing stout with his brand.

And in true leadership style, unfazed by those accusing him of being anti-Chinese, Najib remains the only leader who has two open spots in his Cabinet, despite both the MCA and Gerakan refusing to forward names, for ethnic Chinese from the peninsula.

To ensure that there is good faith in his offer, he has asked his cousin Hishammuddin Hussein to sit temporarily as transport minister until a proper MCA man is found. Hishammuddin is reportedly taking the bus to work, which has surprised staff who are not used to seeing him work.

So you see, Najib needs the Chinese. Can’t abuse them if they don’t want to play with him anymore.

A hundred Zahid Hamidis

Many say that England would have won a World Cup again if it had 18 Wayne Rooneys (including a substitute goalkeeper), and if that is true, then a hundred Zahid Hamidi would help Najib secure power nationally and in his party polls.

The new home minister has taken internal security to heart; there are suggestions he handcuffs himself to his bed at night so that he knows how his political opponents feel. 

He has given ultimatum after ultimatum, leaving a breathless nation wondering how else is he going to top his previous ultimatums. This column recommends he spells aloud his threats before reading them, so that there is more aplomb to the declarations. His staff members are refusing to say that he has gone full retard and deny having caught “Tropic Thunder”.

He may also read any of the Wayne Rooney biographies, they have many pictures in them.

Muhyiddin to go away

He is rumoured to have struck a deal with his present deputy, Muhyiddin Yassin, when they eased out the previous prime minister. Putting to pasture Rip Van Winkle was not the challenge, keeping a warlord from competing was, and that is why Najib has looked over his shoulder constantly.

Muhyiddin is older and a traditionalist. He does not care if #PagohDin trends or not. He does care about Umno middle-managers’ support, fortunately they care for him too since they can associate their race antagonism with Muhyiddin. Perhaps the older heir apparent does not meet the hate requirement as much as ex-PM and kingmaker Mahathir Mohamad yearns for, but in this new age of tolerance and love for each other the old doctor has to settle for a pop-corn vilifier.

If there was no Muhyiddin, then there is no problem. Vice-president Zahid Hamidi would be too busy in mortal combat with his other 100 Doppelgängers, and Hishammuddin waiting for his bus. Shafie Apdal is from Sabah, so he’s just for show. There is no Wanita anymore in real terms, and Khairy Jamaluddin will be possibly busy with a reality sports show in the near future.

For everything to be fine, all Najib needs is for Muhyiddin to disappear. It has happened before. People disappearing I mean.

1974

He’d like to quantum leap the country to 1974. The whole country.

For back in 1974, in a time of a divided nation, his dad was able to cobble together almost all parties to form the first unity government, under Barisan Nasional (BN). From the spectre of a fractured nation Razak managed to weld together a new coalition and lead them to electoral landslide win. And kept Anwar Ibrahim in jail. To trump it all, Petronas was formed to fuel a new oil economy for Malaysia.

But more importantly bell-bottoms were in and a much-younger Najib chilling it out in the United Kingdom.

A little voice in him would be urging him on, saying, come on let’s buy a time machine for the country.

In the list of incredulous purchases causing defence pundits to mortar pound their technical reports and analyses, an actual buy of a time manipulation device may not be out of pattern. Plus, if it did not work it would be exactly like all key procurements during the Najib years as defence minister.

A football club

When even Tony Fernandes’ team stops flying in the premier league, why would Najib want a football club? The same reason why rich people do stupid things or buy objects they don’t care about, other rich people have.

Plus this could be the moment for his own individual brilliance.

Technocrats, consultants and dealers may have scuppered his vision of a Blue Ocean Strategy nation in Malaysia, but a football club can adopt his thinking and genius.

From owner to football manager and then to the players, there are only that many flights of stairs from the owner’s office to the directors’ box.

It’s not the losing that matters, it is the joy of being able to throw tantrums and have them covered inexhaustibly by journalists with names like Fernsby or Dankworth.

Or any of these

If anything, the list above shows that Najib cannot lack wants, there is so much to aim for.

He probably likes the common Malay speech and style, which the more grassroots members of Umno speak and who find greater connection with Muhyiddin.

Or a small role in the next Bond film. Being prime minister may be important and all, but to get a Bond villain name like Mr Big, Oddjob or Nick Nack is the real bomb. And to cavort with Bond Girls like Pussy Galore, Penelope Smallbone and Peace Fountains of Desire, well that’s like going back to 1974.

It appears there is so much more Najib can want, and continue to want.

But it appears that he is likelier to get those things, except maybe the time machine, than the rest of Malaysia.

Anyway, personally, I’d go for 1980.