TUESDAY JOKES - 8

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when making love. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "As if."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

A boy says to a girl, "Come over to my place?" "Yeah!" "Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we're making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?" Later on, the girl is yelling, "Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!" The younger brother says, "Stop making sandwiches! You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed!"

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mum's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohm, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

Why don't ants ever get sick?

Because they have little anty bodies.

My teachers told me I would never amount to much because I procrastinate so much.

I told them, "Just you wait!"

I could not figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger.

Then it hit me.

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxis!

What did the nose say to the finger?

Quit picking on me!

Why were they called Dark Ages?

Because there were lots of knights.

At school, Little Kassim's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Kassim decides to go home and try it out.

Kassim's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him RM 50 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him RM 100 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favourite sex position. One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her boobs, and whisper in her ear, "boy, these feel almost as nice as your sister's." Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on, that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas', and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year'". Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there is never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

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