TUESDAY JOKES -47

 

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard saying....
"You see, it's just a vanishing cream!"

"Last Sunday I found a wallet packed with money down by the church."
"Did you give it back?"
"Not yet. I'm still trying to decide if it's a temptation from the devil or the answer to my prayer."

Three years after the honeymoon it appears their puppy love had matured.
"You don't love me anymore," she sobbed. "You use to be so nice to me, and now you are always barking and growling."
"What do you expect," he demanded. "You've always got me in the doghouse."

Dear God, 

So far today, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, and I haven't lost my temper.
I haven't been grumpy, nasty or selfish, and I'm really glad of that!
But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on, I'm probably going to need a lot of help.
Thanking you in advance, God!

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. 

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. 
Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.
After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What did you do with the boat ?

A blonde is flying to London, seated on a aisle seat. 

How can she steal the seat from a passenger seated next to her who has a window seat?
Tell him all seats going to London are in the middle row.

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So, the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"
The little boy admitted that she did.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time! Now, let your mother explain that to you."

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