SUNDAY JOKES - 75

 

A cat dies and goes to the Animal Heaven. God meets him at the Gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."

The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Animal Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

Why can't you have a nose which is 12 inches long?

Because, then it would be a foot!

 

A mother asked her small son what he would like for his birthday.
"I'd like a little brother," the boy said.
"Oh my, that's such a big wish," said the mother. "Why do you want a little brother?"
"Well," said the boy, "there's only so much I can blame on the dog!"

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of the deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the lot.
A few hours passed by and most of the other deer hunters had left by then, when the patron abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out of the lot like a bat out of hell. The deputy followed him and stopped him promptly.
He administered the breathalyzer test and it read 0.00. Confused, the deputy asked the driver what the hell was going on.
The driver looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

I called and asked the chemist, "My doctor ordered this prescription of ninety cholesterol pills for me. I got it filled at your chemist shop. As I was reaching towards the end of bottle a label dropped out. It instructed 'Do Not Eat'.  Well, that was three days ago, can you tell me when should I start eating now again, because I'm starving!"

The wedding was so beautiful.

Even the cake was in tiers!

 

While suturing up a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old farmer, whose hand had been caught in the gate while working his cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. 

Eventually the topic got around to Donald Trump and how he got to be a President.
The old farmer said, "Well, you know, Donald is just a Post Tortoise."
Now not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked,
What's a "Post Tortoise?"
The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a Tortoise balanced on top, that's a post Tortoise.
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he sure as hell isn't going anywhere, and you just wonder which prick put him there in the first place!"

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