SATURDAY JOKES - 114

 

An old doctor went way out to the boon-docks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the labouring mother and her 5-year-old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. 

The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said.

"He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!!"

Why did the donut go to the dentist? 

To get a filling!

A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, Well then, let it read "Fred Brown died."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks thing over and in a few seconds, she says, in that case, let it read, "Fred Brown died: 2019 Pick-up for sale."

A preacher was walking down the street when he notices a little boy trying to ring the doorbell but it's just out of his reach. he watches his efforts for some time and walks over to press the bell. After he pressed it, he leveled down to the boy and asked' "Now what?" to which the boy turned and shouted, "NOW WE RUN!!!"

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofy," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least three characters!"

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck but my lawyer thinks he can get me two!

A pediatrician is trying to put a 6-year-old patient, Timmy, at ease. 

He asks, "If you found a few dollars on the street, what would you buy?" 

Without hesitation, Timmy says, "a box of Tampons!" 

Surprised, the doctor asks why. 

"Well," Timmy says, "it says on the television that with Tampons, you can go swimming, horseback riding, and skating anytime you want to!!!"

During a political debate, the politicians were asked to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, "One of my hobbies is painting and no matter if I paint with water colours, or oils I always fascinate people with my work."

The second politician, the republican, said "My grandfather was a magician and whenever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls, he would always fascinate us." 

The third politician, an independent, said "I don't know if I can do that."

The master of ceremony of the debate said, "Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it your best. 

The third politician thought for a while then said, "I know this gal, one time she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it but when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten eight!!!"

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