TUESDAY JOKES - 211

 

Kuantan, Pahang, Malaysia

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by talking about their lives. Finally, Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right?  

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed!"

 

An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, "Give me a double Scotch on the rocks."
"What do you want to do, get me in trouble?" the barmaid asked.
"Maybe later," the kid said. "Right now, I just want the Scotch!"

My friends asked me to go camping, so I made a list of the things I would need:

“1. New friends!”

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

 

What do you call a fish wearing a bow tie?" 

Sofishticated!

 

A soldier stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the United States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind away from the local women. 

The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson and music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and through the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your loving so much !" 

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time, lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica!"

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. 

Then it's a soap opera!

 

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden.
It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day she checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon.
She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answered the phone.
"Yes, it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling,
"Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy who pissed in your saxophone last night!"

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