QUESTION TIME | Prime Minister Dr Mahathir Mohamad’s recent visit to Singapore raises yet again the spectre of tough negotiations ranging from water to the crooked bridge. But it’s not so much water under the bridge yet because the same issues have remained unresolved over the past two decades.
The problems are much the same since I wrote a satirical piece on this in 2006 for The Edge, over 12 years ago. Except that the article then was after Mahathir had stepped down in 2003, following 22 long years as prime minister. No one anticipated that he would again be prime minister handling the same problems 15 years later!
Singapore had then actually asked for the right to overfly Johor during military practices. Then as now, I suspect, Singapore wanted a total solution to all issues, refusing to negotiate on each individual one at a time.
And yes, Singapore actually produced a booklet then, titled “Water talks? If only it could” to explain their case on why they can’t agree to a tariff increase for the 100-year (true) agreement on water which expires in 2061.
Our new stance
Below is the 2006 article with some amendments, which pretty much reflects things today. Here goes:
Go forward we must from this impasse. We are sick and tired of what was, what happened, which version was correct, and all the different accounts over that bridge that was not to be between Malaysia and Singapore.
We need to look forward, not back, and looking forward means settling some key, thorny bilateral issues we have with Singapore. That means talks. Does anybody doubt that talks will be resumed some time? No! It’s a question of when, really.
And when those talks resume, we will be fully prepared. Remember, we are dealing with tough nuts and we must be every bit as tough too – no, even tougher, after these years of softness and giving away things – precious things – like water. We must get some of those back, must we not.
We must anticipate, attack, and counter-attack at every turn. Here’s how the rough scenario should be as we see it, to show our new tough stance, with new urbane, suave, yet oh-so-tough negotiators.
‘S’ denotes the Singapore negotiator and ‘M’ the new Malaysian one.
S: You guys pulled a fast one on us – abandoning that bridge because of our demands. (Then prime minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi gave up the bridge project in 2006 when no agreement was reached).
Honest, we didn’t see that coming. You know, we would still like for our fighter planes and bombers to fly over Johor.
M: You can and you don’t even have to link it to the bridge.
S: What? You don’t want the bridge anymore, not even the crooked one? But Mahathir said….
M: Look, even we had our doubts for a while, but now we are very clear on this, Mahathir is definitely not in charge anymore – no more – and he is not, repeat, NOT coming back despite what you read in your Straits Times.
Coming back to our discussion, I said you can fly over Johor, just give us the same privilege in return – I mean not over Johor but Singapore of course. We must make things very clear in negotiations, we must.
S: But, but that would mean giving up our sovereignty and the noise…
M: (Reaches into coat packet to answer phone. Looks grim and then puts it back in pocket.) Sorry, a small change. The prime minister just instructed us to ask for an air base in Singapore.
S: That’s preposterous! Where are we going to get the land?
M: We were just coming to that. You know that railway land we have in Tanjong Pagar. We could kill two birds with one stone, or one bird with two stones, which is not too bad either. Whatever.
S: Don’t be ridiculous. Where are you going to build the runway, on the rails?
M: Tut, tut, didn’t your elders tell you sarcasm is the lowest form of wit? We do think about these things you know. Have you heard of Harrier jets? They land and take off vertically you know, just like helicopters.
Did you see the movie where the Harrier jet negotiates between buildings? Very nifty that was - but I digress. Prime minister wants a squadron there. With the RM600 million we save on the bridge, we’ll be able to afford it.
S: Why? What for?
M: You know, joint defence and all that – we defend you, you defend us, we defend ourselves. What better way to defend ourselves than to have a base in Singapore, in perpetuity of course.
Our nearest air force base to Singapore is, I think, in Kuantan -some way off – not good in the event of attack. You want to fly over Johor, we want an air base in Singapore – fair is fair.
For you, a base in Singapore is as good as a base in Johor if you can fly over us, but for us…(voice trails away). Besides we get to settle one of the thorny bilateral issues – that railway land.
S: What about the sand? We want one billion cubic feet over twenty years.
M: No problem, you can have it.
S: Sorry, excuse me, say that again, please.
M: You can have it! It will cost you just RM100 a cubic foot. Why land in prime areas in Johor Bahru now costs RM200 a square ft and that Sultan Iskandar Customs, Immigration and Quarantine (CIQ) Complex, you know that high-class checkpoint, it cost RM300 a square foot to build – no kidding. Here we are giving you a cubic foot, not square foot, for a mere RM100 – cheap, don’t you think?
S: But, but that will cost us RM100 billion…..
M: Glad to know you can not only add and subtract but can multiply as well. Ha! Ha! Ha! My turn to be sarcastic –we are even now. No, it won’t cost you RM100 billion, it will cost you more, much more than that.
S: What?
M: There will be a cost escalation clause – 20 percent a year or the rate of inflation, whichever is higher, of course. Yes, we are going to make it all fair and water-tight this time, pardon the pun.
I don’t know what it will cost exactly, I left my financial calculator at home. But, hazarding a guess, I would say it will be several times RM100 billion.
But it is fair, money becomes worth less and less with time – time value of money, you know. And sand is a scarce resource. The more you want it, the more we will charge.
S: It will be cheaper to pour concrete into the seas!
M: As you wish. But remember concrete contains a lot of sand, or is it stone? Never mind, you don’t have enough of either (wondering to himself: Hmm, is that why they want that rock in our waters which they call Pedra something? What kind of a name is that? We just call it Pulau Batu something, clearly more accurate). Oh, by the way, we are giving you six months notice to terminate the water agreement.
S: But, but, but that’s an act of war nothing else! That will affect our very survival. Now, you are goading us into doing something drastic. Why are you doing this? Mahathir said… (reaching for that booklet about if only water could talk – as if it could or would, how silly)….
M: Move with the times, man, Mahathir is no longer in charge. We need the water, honest, so we want to take it back.
A land pipeline from Johor to Selangor will be cheaper than that hare-brained tunnel from Pahang to Selangor. (Reaches furtively for hand phone again, says “Yes sir, of course, sir” and then immediately turns around to face S.)
Sorry, another small change. The prime minister says three months is enough. You guys are so efficient, you could set up enough plants to treat all that waste water (no, we won’t be so crude as to call it “jamban” juice – let others do that) in that time.
He says to negotiate the sale of jam…, er waste water from Johor to Singapore – we have plenty of that so we’ll give you a special deal on that one, perhaps even for 100 years, but we will have to think about it – sanitation might improve you know.
And please don’t say “act of war” again. It makes us look so unfriendly. Not right at all!
S: But what else is it when you attempt to break an iron-clad agreement that will supply water until 2061 for a ridiculously low price, which we can then on sell to our people for a hefty profit of around RM600 to RM700 million a year? Is that not an act of war?
M: I told you not to say that! Our lawyers - and we have a panel of them, not just good old Matthias - tell us that the water agreement is - excuse the pun again - not terribly water-tight. We are exerting our rights and out of the kindness of our hearts are giving you three months notice.
And oh, effective today, that water is costing you RM2 a gallon, up from three sen for 1,000 gallons, which was ridiculously low. Still lower than the price of oil. You will pay the money daily into the Johor Bahru branch of OCBC Bank – we have tried to make it easy for you by using a Singapore bank.
S: But Mahathir said…What if we don’t?
M: Forget Mahathir. After a week, we turn the taps off. It stays that way until you pay up - with interest – five percent a day. Pay up or go thirsty. Don’t say we did not give you a choice. Oh, by the way, at the end of three months you won’t need the pipeline unless we are piping wastewater through it – if we get an agreement that is.
S: Hang on, you’re running a bit ahead of me now.
M: I’ll clear that up in a minute. If we reach an agreement for supply of wastewater, we want you to put the pipes into the seabed at your own cost in accordance with the agreement. We don’t want it on the causeway anymore.
S: And why not may I ask? What difference does it make? Why must we incur needless cost?
M: Because we want the right to blow up the causeway anytime we want without disrupting things for you. We are always considerate, you know.
S: But that’s an unprovoked, dastardly act of war if ever there was one.
M: I told you not to say that! By the way, if there is a war, we have the right to cut the water supply straight off. Our lawyers tell us so but we think it is plain common sense too. And no more flying over Johor in the event of war. Agreed?
S: No, no, that would be an act of war!
M: I told you not to say that! But at that stage we already have war, so what’s the problem? Coming back to what we were talking about, now let’s get this very clear (stares at S unblinkingly, Clint-Eastwood-style, and pauses as he puffs on his cigar before continuing) - it is an act of war if we blow up your side of the causeway.
It is not (he shouts for emphasis) if we blow up our side of the causeway (thumps the table hard, very hard, hurts his hand and startles S). We will only blow up our side of the causeway (voice drops to a whisper).
We, of course, undertake to clean up the mess in the straits (in a normal tone). No mess, better water quality, ships can sail. Win, win and win! Would you consider sharing in the cost of explosives and cleaning up since you also benefit?
But no compulsion-lah. Purely voluntary. You know, some things must come out of the goodness of your heart (M smiles benignly as he takes the cigar out of his mouth and says to himself, ‘If you can find it that is’).
S: But, but what about links between Johor Bahru and Singapore then?
M: We were coming to that before your untimely interjection. We figure it would be kind of rustic and touristy to have a ferry link.
Works Minister Samy Vellu suggests we give the concession in perpetuity or when the bridge is built, whichever comes first, to Gerbang Perdana - you know those guys whom we awarded the RM600 million contract for the non-existent bridge.
We were silly like that before, but now we are getting tough although I personally don’t have much sympathy for those guys as they got the contract to build the RM1.2 billion fancy RM300-per-square-foot checkpoint. But again, I digress.
S: But what about those who want to go to Singapore in a hurry?
M: Patience! We were coming to that too. Remember that air base of ours in Tanjong Pagar, on the railway land? Perhaps we could add a passenger terminal there to ferry people by helicopters. We’ll use our under-used air force helicopters if you don’t mind. The high accident rate worries me a bit but we’ll sort that out.
With your MRT, it will be a breeze to get to anywhere in Singapore from there. And we would have helped upgrade a rail terminal to a helicopter terminal.
Now that is what you call win-win! Two birds with one stone? Or was it one bird with two stones? Or bird in hand worth two in the bush? Whatever.
S: Sigh! I think it’s time our leaders talked directly.
M: (Puffs on his cigar, forgets and takes a drag instead and coughs a few times.) Agreed! Cough! We can’t speak for Singapore of course, but in Malaysia we definitely have had a leadership change.
S: Sigh! Sigh! Cough! Cough! (as M exhales, unintentionally of course, in his face)
I am sure, dear reader, you will join me in putting your hands together and extending a very warm welcome to our new negotiators.
P GUNASEGARAM wonders how some things never change. Email:t.p.guna@gmail.com. - Mkini
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.