THURSDAY JOKES - 46

 

There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day and unfortunately, the fly crashed into a pile of fresh cow manure. Due to the fact that it had been hours since the fly had had her last meal, she flew down and began to eat. She ate and ate. Finally, she decided she had eaten enough and tried to fly away. She had eaten too much though, and could not get off the ground. As she looked around wondering what to do, she spotted a pitchfork leaning up against the wall. She climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off, thinking that once she got airborne, she would be able to take flight. Unfortunately, she was wrong and she dropped like a rock, and was smashed when she hit the floor. Dead!

ARE YOU READY FOR THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I have DEFINITELY shit in my pants..."

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyer's name was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones. Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?" asked his friend.
"Well,", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek... 
Do they automatically lose because they can't find themselves?

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 
He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.”
When Mr. Johnson returned; he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds. 
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?” 
The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” 
“From hunger, you mean.” 
“No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.” 

A little boy opened a big Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found!" the boy called out. 
"What have you got there, dear?" 
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Eve's panty!"

There were two old geezers living in the backwoods. Their names were Rufus and Clarence. They lived on opposite sides of the river, and they hated each other.
Every morning, just after sunrise, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other. "RUFUS!!" Clarence would shout. "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your butt!!"
"CLARENCE!!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim . . . or I'd swim this river and whup your skinny butt!!!"
This went on every morning. Every day. For twenty years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came and built a bridge. Still, every morning every day for another five years the shouting and feuding across the river continued. Finally, Rufus's wife had enough.
"Rufus!" she yells, one day. "I can't take it no more!! Every day for 25 years, you've been threatening to whup Clarence. Well, there's the bridge...have a go at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment. "Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm going to whup Clarence's butt!!!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway, looked up....TURNED TAIL AND RAN SCREAMING BACK TO THE HOUSE, SLAMMED THE DOOR, BOLTED THE WINDOWS, GRABBED THE SHOTGUN AND DIVED, PANTING AND GASPING, UNDER THE BED!!!!!
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "I thought you were going to whup Clarence's butt!!!"
"I was, woman, I was!!" he whispered.
"Rufus!" cried the misses. "What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," muttered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I went to the bridge...I stepped up on the bridge...walked halfway over the bridge...looked up..."
"And?" she asked, breathless with suspense.
"And," continued Rufus, "I saw a sign that said, "Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches" He never looked THAT big from the other side of the river!!!!!"

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