SATURDAY JOKES - 49

 

A woman was found guilty in a traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' sentence five thousand times." 

A motorist, driving by a Kedah paddy farm, hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road. The driver went to the owner of the calf and explained what had happened. He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about RM 2,000 today," said the farmer. "But in six years it would have been worth RM 9,000. So, RM 9,000 is what I want."
The motorist sat down and wrote out a cheque and handed it to the farmer.
"Here," he said, "is the cheque for RM 9,000. It's postdated six years from now."

Joe Biden visits an asylum and tries to make a phone call, but it doesn't go through. 

After trying to get help from the operator, without luck, the exasperated Mr. President shouts, "Listen, do you know who I am?!"
Calmly, the operator answers, "No, but I know WHERE you are."

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...
Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. 

“The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Little Johnny cried all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him what was wrong and the boy continued sobbing, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you, guys!”

It is pouring rain in the flood plain of the Kelantan, and the rising river begins to threaten all the private homes, including that of the local Imam. 
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Pak Imam, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." 
The Imam replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will protect me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Imam has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Pak Imam, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting very dangerous." 
The Imam replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will protect me." 
The rain does not stop, and the Imam is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Pak Imam, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" 
The Imam replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will protect me."
The deluge continues, and the Imam is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven and comes before the Divine Presence. 
The Imam asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous observant servant my whole life, and depended on you to save me in my hour of need. Where were you?" 
And the Lord answered, "I sent two boats and a helicopter, what more do you want?"

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