THURSDAY JOKES - 49

 

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Maacccc Doooo Naalldddd"

He: Why did you put on these high-heel shoes? It seems so inconvenient for you to walk.
She: I thought you liked tall girls.
He: I like clever girls.
She: That's why I've put on the glasses...

 

It is a scientific fact...
That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I just did. You're back at work on Monday.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

A Malaysian farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Malaysian says, "Oh! We have paddy fields that are at least twice as large". 
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Malaysian immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows". 
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Malaysian sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"? 
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Malaysia"?

 

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.
"What happened here?" he asks.
"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.
Just then a guy floated by.
"Who's that?" demands the husband.
"I don't know. Must be a lifeguard."

A man named Anwar bought a horse from a farmer for RM 15,000. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Anwar's house and said, “Sorry, brother, but I have some bad news. The horse died.”
Anwar replied, “Well, then just give me back my money

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Anwar said, “Ok, then just bring me the dead horse.”
The farmer asked, “What is he going to do with him?”
Anwar said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!”
Anwar said, “Sure I can! Watch me.
A month later, the farmer met up with Anwar and asked, “What happened with that dead horse?”
Anwar said, “I raffled him off. I sold 5000 tickets at five ringgit apiece and made a profit of RM 9,995”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Anwar said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him back his five ringgit.”
Anwar is moving into Seri Perdana later this year.

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