THURSDAY JOKES - 59

 

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender and that she hadn't gotten the license number. 
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."
At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.
It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Rolls Royce!"

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"
Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. 

Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 

Which one?" I asked. 

The patch. 

The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" 

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. 

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! 

Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

A new, young doctor doing his residency in obstetrics and was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. 

To cover his embarrassment, he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. 

The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. 

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" 

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I Wish You Were Marilyn Monroe."

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: 

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear Wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. 

Five minutes later, "Da..aad"
"What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! 

If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"

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