SATURDAY JOKES - 117

 

A nerd was walking down the sidewalk one day when his friend, another nerd, rode up on an incredible shiny new bicycle. The first nerd was stunned by his friend's sweet ride and asked, "Wow! Where did you get such a nice bike?" The second nerd replied, "Well, yesterday I was walking home, minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want!'" The second nerd nodded approvingly, "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fit!"

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?"

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see an old lady standing!

A pedestrian stepped off the curb and into the road without looking and promptly gets knocked flat by a passing cyclist. "You were really lucky there," said the cyclist. "What on earth are you talking about! That really hurt!" said the pedestrian, still on the pavement, rubbing his head. The cyclist replied, "Well, usually I drive a bus!"

Moses is up on Mount Sinai and he says to God, "God, I have a pounding headache!"

And God says, "Here, take these two tablets!"

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. 

One day he surprised his teacher. 

He tapped her on the shoulder and said...

"I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades.... somebody is going to get a spanking....".

One day a blonde was driving on the highway and got pulled over by a cop. The cop said "Why do you keep swerving?" The blonde replied "I turn one way and there's a tree, I turn again there's a tree, and then there's a whole bunch more trees popping out of nowhere." The cop replied "You idiot, that's your air freshener."

Morton was reading the paper after breakfast when he came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a questioning look on his face and said: "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife smiled and replied: "Why thank you, dear!"

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and at around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quite pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise an eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."
A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted!"

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