A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round, and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!”
I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex
tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She meant 666-3629!"
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my
birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and
so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy
birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special.
She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We
went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a
minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a
birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all
yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!
A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you
know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me
first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your
private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So, what
we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first
time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride
giggles, "Honey, the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his
side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out
again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The
bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the
husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"
Q: What
do you call security guards working outside Samsung shops?
A:
Guardians of the Galaxy!
Q: Did
you hear about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow?
A: When he woke up, his pillow was gone!
Q: Why did Cinderella fail at basketball?
A: Because she had a pumpkin for a coach!
Q. What
did the pop star do when he locked himself out?
A.
He sang until he found the right key!
Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!
One
day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush
and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at
the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two
boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the
second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away,
so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he
ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a
naked lady, I would turn to stone and I felt something getting hard, so I ran!"
A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next
to a very attractive nun. Enamoured with her, he asks if he can have sex with
her. Naturally, she says no and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus
driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes
to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince
her to have sex with you." The man decides to try it and dresses up in his
best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her. "Oh,
God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!" The man tells the nun
that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes
but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to
it, having nasty, grungy, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God
disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus
driver!"
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