Our sexuality is complex

 

In December 2021, upon the completion of my free online writing workshop for women, I decided to organise a similar workshop for men. Apart from a few common requirements, those interested to participate had to prepare an essay based on their own life experience.  

One of the essays I received was from Bob (not his real name) who was happily married and had a couple of children. He described his life as blessed and almost close to perfection. He had a great job which he loved, a supportive family and wonderful friends.

Bob, however, had a dilemma – he was attracted to other men. Although he had never pursued his attraction for those of the same gender, he struggled internally to fight his own desires. At the same time, Bob also claimed that he could not be truthful to his family and friends about his personal conflicts, fearful of losing the people he loved.

According to Bob, he only developed an attraction towards other men in his late-20s. Prior to that, he was a straight man who only dated women and had no interest in men, sexually.

Bob’s story intrigued me, and I was looking forward to meeting him to discover the depth of his story. Unfortunately, he never showed up for the workshop. In the following days, I received an email from him stating his decision to drop out as he did not have the courage to share the intimate story with others in the workshop.

Bob’s story isn’t something new. Straight men or women in heterosexual relationships who are sexually attracted to others of the same gender are not uncommon. Some people like to use the term ‘gay-in-waiting’ to oversimplify Bob’s experience.

Our sexuality is incredibly complex

People who have strong desires to judge others, put them in boxes and label them inappropriately can never understand the experiences of others. The truth of the matter is, there is nothing simple about our sexuality. In fact, our sexuality is incredibly complex and more complicated than we assume.

I once met a middle-aged Malaysian woman who was polyamorous. In case you are not familiar with the term, a polyamorous person is someone who is open to having multiple romantic partners. 

 She explained to me that it was natural for humans to love more than one person at a specific time. And so, having romantic and intimate relationships with more than one person is also natural, according to her.

In polyamory, there is no cheating or lying. Everyone involved in the relationship has a verbal agreement and they stay true to each other until they decide otherwise.

I bet many people would be fast to shake their heads in disapproval if they knew anyone practising polyamory. Oddly the same people would not give a hoot about polygamy.

After all, a man having a romantic and intimate relationship with his four wives is different from a person having similar relationships with his/her lovers. Or is it?

Perhaps the question we should be asking is, why should a person who is already in an intimate relationship with one person, end up sexually desiring someone else?

On second thought, let’s not ask any questions – because if we do, we too will be putting people in boxes and labelling them inappropriately. As I said, our sexuality is incredibly complex. We cannot and must not judge others based on our limited knowledge of our own sexuality.

No judgment

In 2018, a Japanese man married a doll because he was sexually attracted to fictional characters. Netizens all around the world were quick to laugh at him but today, he is still happily ‘married’ to his doll.  

I suppose many of us do not realise that we, too, at one point in our lives, had experienced falling in love with someone in our imagination. It might not have been a doll, but still all the same.

In 2021, an elderly man in Selangor was prosecuted after he was caught having sexual intercourse with a goat. In 2022, an elderly man in Johor was prosecuted after he was caught having sexual intercourse with a cat. Both animals died.  

Bestiality is indeed a form of animal cruelty. However, we will never know the true reason those incidents took place. Were the elderly men sexually attracted to the animals, or they were merely mentally unhealthy? But hey, who are we to judge?

In 2018, a 41-year-old rubber tapper from Kelantan married an 11-year-old girl. According to the man, he was attracted to the girl since she was seven years old. 

What I find interesting is that paedophilia or sexual attraction towards children, according to psychologists, is a ‘sexual orientation’ very similar to heterosexuality or homosexuality. This actually begs a question: why do people who endorse child marriages are very quick to judge homosexuality?  

Sexuality is a spectrum

Oftentimes we hear our sexuality being described as fluid. The concept of sexual fluidity means that sexuality can change over time and in different situations.  

For example, you may identify yourself as a heterosexual, but at one point in your life, you develop an attraction to someone who is a genderqueer. You may or may not act on that attraction - but the experience changes how you think about your own sexuality.  

The attraction may even go away in the long term, but the experience will remain an isolated event in your sexual life. Either way, you have experienced a degree of sexual fluidity.

Most humans experience sexual fluidity. Those who are open to understanding their own true emotions and desires will embrace these grey areas. Those who were brought up in a closed environment or are out of touch with their true emotions will not only reject the notion, but rather, discourage the exploration by shaming those who do.

It is sad that we live in a society where people are pressured into settling on a sexual preference determined acceptable by the majority, or else be labelled a bull, a cow or a pervert. For these people, sexuality is stagnant except when a heterosexual monogamist of a certain religion turns into a polygamist and/or a paedophile.  

No wonder people like Bob are still living in agony. - Mkini

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FA ABDUL is a multi-award-winning playwright and director in the local performing arts scene, a published author, television scriptwriter, media trainer and mother. Her ultimate mission in life is to live out of a small suitcase.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.