SATURDAY JOKES - 150

 

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch!

How does a tree get pregnant?
By a woodpecker!

 

It was enough to startle the little old lady out of her roots. There was the fish market person tossing trout clear across his shop to a man in fisherman uniform.

The fishermen caught six fish and then said: "All right, Joe. Now I can truthfully tell my wife I caught six fish today!"

 

A man, his head seriously mis-shaped, stood drinking in a bar in Johannesburg. A youngster started to laugh and point at the man.

The barman said "Don't you EVER laugh at that man. He is a national hero. There was a mining disaster and that man stood with a wooden beam on his head for 4 hours whilst rescue workers rescued 34 other miners. That is why his head is flat".

"Wow", said the youngster, "that is really impressive. But what about his cauliflower ears?"

"Oh, that is where they hammered him in!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?

A: Finally, enough drumsticks for everyone during Christmas!

 

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a cigar when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking, come up and have some."
So, the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they had a few puffs together.
After a while the lizard, a first-time smoker, says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's going to get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink.

Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river!

 

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humour."

 

A woman goes into Jusco to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is the Jusco Store Manager standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 pound test line...It's a good all-around rod and reel and it costs RM 100". 

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it." He walks behind the counter to the register and in the meantime the woman farts. At first, she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be RM 115." She says, "But didn't you say it was RM 100?" 

He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is RM 100, the duck call is RM 10 and the stink bait is RM 5!!!"

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