SATURDAY JOKES - 164

Ulu Bendul, Kuala Pilah, Negeri Sembilan this morning

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream." She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream." Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top." So, he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and beef bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

 

Q: Why couldn't the blonde add 10 + 5 on a calculator? 

A: She couldn't find the "10" button!

 

Q: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? 

A: Envelope!

 

Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? 

A: It's okay. He woke up!

 

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around, he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you." He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." 

In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me" The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?" The parrot said, "Clarence." The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. Which idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the rottweiler Jesús!"

 

During lunch at work, I ate three plates of baked beans and creamy scrambled eggs. When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually, the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests were seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

 

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he had left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, "Is someone in your house?" and George said, "No," and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Emergency Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. 
One of the policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

An old man is met by his attorney and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the Income Tax Department with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk to the tax officer. "I bet RM 2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The tax officer agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The tax officer is dumbfounded. The old man bets RM 3,000 he can bite his other eye. The tax officer knows there is no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet RM 20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastepaper basket, without missing a single drop." The tax officer knows he would not be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The tax officer jumps for joy but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asked the tax officer. "No! On our way over here, he took a bet with me for RM 400,000 that he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

  

Two Irishmen were traveling to Malaysia. Before they left home, one of their dads gave them both a bit of advice: "You watch them, Malaysian cab drivers. They'll rob you blind. Don't you go paying them what they ask? You haggle." 

At the Penang Airport, the Irishmen caught a public cab to their hotel. When they reached their destination, the cabbie says, "That'll be twenty ringgit, boss." "Oh no, you don't! My dad warned me about you. You'll only be getting fifteen ringgit from me," says one of the men. "And you'll only be getting another fifteen from me too," adds the other.

 

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. 

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams!"

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