TUESDAY JOKES - 42

 

When a patient regained consciousness after an operation, the surgeon told her: "I'm really sorry, but I'm afraid we're going to have to open you up again. You see, unfortunately I left my scissors inside you."
The patient said: "Well, if that's all it is, I'd prefer you to leave me alone and I'll buy you a new one."

 

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

 

One day an engineer dies. He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven, he met God. God says "Go to hell, you're not on my list."
So, after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"
In hell the engineer-built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."
The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not going to let you have him." To which God says "If you don't let me have him, I'll sue."
Devil says "You can't sue! You don't even have lawyers up there!"

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trad.
It seems that most of the Island of Trad was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trads on his mountain. If a Trad dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trads are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trads were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trads.
The Trads spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever-visible mountain. Every few days, a Trad would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trad into the ocean. The Trads were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Priest visited the Island of Trad. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trads were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Priest decided to return the favour, and to go plead the Trad's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Priest explained.
The Trads were horrified. "Please don't go, Priest", the Trads implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Priest was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trads sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Priest.
The Priest started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trad had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally, he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Priest asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Priest, kicks are for Trads!"

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you skip classes, no one calls your parents.

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife.

"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some eggplant in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, you wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back.

"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the eggplant."

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