SUNDAY JOKES - 53

 

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You got to help me find my parrot!" The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."
But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.
Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he knows how to say is, here, kitty, kitty!!!"

Mother (to sleeping Little Johnny): "Little Johnny, wake up! It’s twenty to eight."
Little Johnny (half asleep): "In whose favour?"

Boy: You're really pretty.
Girl: Thanks.
Boy: I wish there was something between us.
Girl: I do too.
Boy: Really! Like what?
Girl: A wall!

 

An old couple was talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"
"Only you, darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

It's hard to describe in one sentence the Obama legacy so far. What with earning a Nobel Peace Prize, getting U.S. troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, closing Guantanamo Bay, trying terrorists in Federal Courts on U.S. soil, stopping the influx of illegal aliens, creating jobs, lowering the deficit, balancing the budget, and cutting the cost of medical treatment while insuring the masses.
Some critics have asked the difference between Obama's accomplishments and a car battery. A car battery has a positive side.

Whenever John wanted to make love, he would say to Mary "Let's do some laundry, honey".
Well, one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"
John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

David, a Christian boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for more than a year!

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear until a unit has passed the final inspection.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

Work smarter but not harder and be careful of your spelling.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.

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