SUNDAY JOKES - 57

 

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that somebody-or-the other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!" "You are an idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!" 
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther King."

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.
Surprised by this unusual behaviour, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"
And the fellow bat shouts back: "Yoga!"

A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Hi mate, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy answers, "one ringgit."

 

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. 

But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.
I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water guns?"
Mom smiled and then replied, "Oh, I jolly well remember...."

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
Then the cop glanced to the back seat where the other nuns were quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 181.”

"I wonder why old man Smith puts all his savings under his pillow every night?"
"Maybe he wants people to know that he has enough money to retire on?"

A young couple was driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the on-coming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So, they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in another five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes, my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was so very handsome, and everyone was happy! 

Until ... two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realisation almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightning rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

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