TUESDAY JOKES - 57

 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: 
1. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. 
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood. 
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. 
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal. 
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day. 
6. Don't discuss your problems with him. 
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. 
"You're going to die," she replied.

Two longtime friends sipped coffee in a local restaurant and talked about their troubles. 
"And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife has cut me down to just once a week." 
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know two guys she's cut off altogether."

After tucking their three-year-old child Tommy in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die.
No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Tommy's ear. Tommy was delighted.
In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it, then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Daddy, do it again!!!"

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?" The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and she is sick most mornings." The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant--about four months would be my guess." The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!" The doctor walked over to the window and stared outside. About five minutes passed before the mother said, "Is there something wrong out there, doctor?" The doctor replied, "No, not at it. It's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'm not going to miss it this time around!"

A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt. She touched her calf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
"That's why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"

Little Johnny is in a class where every Friday the teacher asks a question and if you get it right you don't have to go to school on Monday.
The first Friday the question was, "How many gallons of water is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they all had to go to school on Monday.
Next Friday, the question was, "How many grains of sand is there in the whole world."
No one knew so they had to go to school on Monday.
By this time Little Johnny is getting mad because he doesn't want to go to school on Monday.
So, he paints two ping-pong balls black, and the next Friday right before the teacher asked the question, he rolled the ping-pong balls up to her.
She asked, "Alright, who's the comedian with the black balls?"
Johnny said, "Eddie Murphy, see you Tuesday.

Speaking to her two daughters, a mother said, "When we get home you need to clean your bedrooms. Your grandmother is coming to visit us tonight and I want the whole house to look tidy." 
The younger daughter answered, "We will, Mommy. But isn't that kind of like, lying?"

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought he had the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be the stupidest kid on Earth.”
The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”
The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out? If I'm there, then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”
The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Tom! Come here! (Tom runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”
Tom says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Tom meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well, all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”
Tom says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

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