THURSDAY JOKES - 79

 

Three Pastors were having lunch together at a diner. The first Pastor said, "You know since summer started, I've been having trouble with mice in my church. I've tried everything - noise, spray, cats - nothing seems to scare them away.
The second Pastor then said "Yeah, me too. I've got hundreds living in the basement of the church. I've set traps and even called an expert to get rid of them, yet they still won't go away."
With a grin on his face, the third Pastor said, "I had the same problem so I baptized all mine and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!!!"

 

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me, how?"

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across the desert that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.
After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally, the priest said to the nun, "you know sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth - to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you".
The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?"
Without hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?"
The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life".

"Well," responded the nun, "Forget about me. Stick it in the camel."

What does a house wear?

Address!

A young couple was on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I have a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, my love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.
"Great, my sweetheart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"
Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Why were they called the “dark ages?”

Because there were a lot of knights.

Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.

I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.

Welcome to Mega computer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.

Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.

Don't sweat on the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor!

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

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