A camel is a horse designed by a GLC

 

This is simply outrageous. Malaysians should be up in arms against the directive for six government-linked investment companies (GLIC) to fund RM120 billion worth of new ventures in government-linked companies (GLC) over five years.

The GLICs directed to do so include three retirement funds - the Employees Provident Fund (EPF), Retirement Fund Incorporated (Kwap), and the Armed Forces Fund Board (LTAT).

This is yet another example of this peculiarly Malaysian syiok sendiri (full of themselves) recipe for disaster, if not a prime (no pun suggested or intended) example of a forced marriage of convenience bordering on corporate incest.

I am dead set against such hare-brained schemes. It’s a story worth telling.

Years ago, I became convinced I would be better off doing stand-up comedy than working in a GLC. Better for the heart and the soul for sure. And the brain too.

I resigned. I had seen too many camels. Not that I had anything against these poor animals. But horses run faster.

EPF building

The stand-up comedy plans did not work out either. When I was just about ready to launch my new career as a comedian, some cartoon minister opened his mouth and beat me to it. Stiff competition!

So I went into business. The early years were tough designing a real horse.

Success came but I had to slowly build up the business layer by layer. The way builders make houses - first the foundation, then the walls, brick by brick, and then the roof, before fixing the floor and fittings. No corrupt practices or deliberately mistaking turnover for profit. As simple as that.

But what now of GLCs? Failing and falling. And propped up with taxpayers’ money. An endless tale of scams and scandals. A bottomless pit. In the national interests, say the politicians. But GLC failures have a pattern. Like the lifecycle of an insect: egg, larva, pupa, imago.

Lifecycle of GLC projects

Grandiose plans are made; the egg stage. Like breeding sturgeons for caviar. A dubious working paper at first. Consultants are called in. Foreign for sure. Detractors are labelled anti-national and even racist. Plans are approved. Money is made available by the lorry loads.

A politician in Gucci dark glasses sits on a power digger. The project is on track, he coos to the press. The larva stage! Excellent planning, he says, looking mighty pleased. Party frontmen and their hand-picked main contractors are gleeful. They campaigned hard for this project.

Their pockets are bulging but the sub-contractors are looking worried. Their payments have been often delayed. Now they too have to campaign hard for their progress payments. Ponds are filled with water from a clear spring. Then voila! Millions of sturgeon fry arrive from Russia.

We are ready for the world, crows the politician. He does not know the difference between fish, fingers, and fry. Our fake newspapers, social magazines masquerading as the mainstream media, join the chorus. An international marketing arm is set up. Imagination is running riot. Bolehland!

Then the months pass. The sturgeon fries are growing but slowly. More water and money are pumped in. The piping is faulty, leaking all the time. No one cares or notices. Everyone looks happy. And fat. Lifestyles are changing for sure. Then suddenly the sturgeon life cycle changes.

Inexplicably this project disappears from our radar. The pupal stage! It is hibernation time. Nothing and no one seems to be working. Nothing is reported in the media. But soon, the consultants are sacked. New ones are recruited. The fry feed supplier is changed. The general manager gets a raise. The management team is expanded.

The fries keep dying. But it does not cause a stink. Blame the Russians. Quietly, it is hinted we will not buy their Sukhois. Unless... The Russians respond, claiming sturgeons were perfectly happy in the Caspian Sea, that our metres were faulty, that the filtration pumps were leaking. Razbiti! Broken!

The fries do not make it to the imago stage. In a private meeting, the politician in Gucci glasses says it’s a long-term project; that sabar (patience) is key to success; that the Iranian ikan sturgeon are better, tougher; that more funding will turn things around; that we have learned a lot.

Losses socialised, gains privatised

Learned a lot like when children play masak-masak (cooking), imitating their mothers, their imago. Like in 1MDB, the mother of all GLC failures. But it is biasa (normal) time in Bolehland. For the term GLC is an oxymoron. It’s a chimaera - half-government and half-company - and each feeding off the other.

The half below the belt is the government. Where the loins are located. Where the next generation is nurtured. Where the endless cycle of egg, larva, and pupa without becoming adults begins. Above the belt, the company, filled with cunning and driven by greed, is waiting to pounce.

And there is a madness to their method. This chimaera has figured out that it is better to leak than run a tight ship; that it is easier to accumulate wealth when losses are socialised and gains privatised. Unlike millions of SMEs who fight like lions to keep their ships on an even keel.

This chimaera also knows there are only three places you can take money out of an enterprise - the top, even before the operations commence; the middle, by employees drawing fat perks and salaries; and the bottom, if you are foolish enough to believe in dividends and profits.

Or foolish enough to believe 1MDB or this special purpose vehicle (SPV) is the first or the last of the camels? Hold your horses! - Mkini

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MURALE PILLAI is a former GLC employee. He runs a logistics company.

The views expressed here are those of the author/contributor and do not necessarily represent the views of MMKtT.