TUESDAY JOKES - 225

Every newspaper in Kuala Lumpur sent a reporter and a staff photographer to the office of a local ophthalmologist when it was learned that he recently performed a successful sight-saving operation on the wife of the country's most celebrated mural artist, who in addition to paying the doctor's usual fee, had gratefully insisted on painting one of his contemporary masterpieces across an entire wall of the doctor's waiting room.
The mural turned out to be an immense multicoloured picture of a human eye, in the centre of which stood a perfect miniature likeness. While cameras clicked and most of the newsmen crowded around the famous artist for his comments, one cub reporter drew the eye specialist aside and asked:
"Tell me, if you can, Doctor - what was your first reaction on seeing this fantastic artistic achievement covering an entire wall of your waiting room?"
"To tell the truth," the physician replied, "my first thought was, thank goodness I'm not a hemorrhoid specialist!"

 

How do you know when a blonde has been sending e-mails?
You find envelopes in the disk drive!

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You bet, Sam. There isn't any other way? Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want to start a fire, you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that isn't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire!"

A new preacher wanted to rent a house in the country but the only one available was rumoured to be haunted. That didn’t bother the preacher since he didn’t believe in such things. He went ahead and rented the place. Soon the ghost made its appearance. The preacher told his friends about the ghost, but they didn’t believe him. They told him the only way they would believe was if he took a picture of the ghost. The preacher went home and called for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher explained the situation and asked the ghost if it would mind having its picture taken. The ghost agreed. When the picture was developed, the ghost wasn’t visible. Feeling disappointed, the preacher called again for the ghost. When it appeared, the preacher showed it the picture and wanted to know why the ghost wasn’t in it. The ghost thought a minute and replied, “Well, I guess the spirit was willing, but the flash was weak!”

"Hey Liza, can you check my bank account and see what Apple product I can afford to buy...."
Liza: "Apple Juice."

A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely at the olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally, another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, became exasperated and grabbed the toothpick.
"Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had the olive so tired out, it couldn't get away."

Every time the man next door headed toward Robinson's house; Robinson knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Robinson to his wife. "Watch this."
"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbour began.
"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Robinson with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."
"In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

So, whenever I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.  Honey, but something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here. Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!

Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move. Stand down, down blue team!

Don't - hold on, the subjects are approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand. And I find some random businessmen too. I ran as fast as I can, and I just beat the crap out of him.

And everybody else started clapping, thank you for making our airport safe.

And then I got onto my plane. That businessman who I beat, just had a very weird twisted story to tell about the incident to the rest of the passengers. 

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