Tales from No Ordinary Jho

Fellow Malaysians,

SATIRE | Six years ago, you wouldn’t have known how to pronounce my name. Today, it is on the lips of almost every one of yours. I don’t blame anyone but the media because journalists have made me out to be a crook. There has been a concerted effort to destroy me and my vast business empire.

I was not and still am No Ordinary Jho (pun intended). In my twenties, I was already walking the corridors of power – dining and wining heads of states and enough money to impress and mesmerise them and especially their wives.

But that kind of power, fame and money has its pitfalls. Some of them view me differently, although the wives fall back on me for their other requirements like jewellery and handbags and their regular Botox treatments.

News organisations, especially The Wall Street Journal, The Edge and Malaysiakini (more on these later), have made me out to be a villain – which is far from the truth. Actually, I am a fixer who can fix anything and everything if the price is right.

I have been successful – very successful and past records will attest to my uncanny ability to orchestrate anything in any part of the world. Records will show that I failed only once. One person whom I could not buy was Australian model and actress Miranda Kerr (photo), who showed me two fingers despite a few millions worth of jewellery. Whoever said that diamonds are a girl’s best friend?

Otherwise, I have fixed everything. From putting and extracting “confessions” at the Bangkok Hilton and arranging interviews with prisoners to cloning companies and milking billions.

I have done them all. The golf escapades and for the US president to be told: “I am here to help you make America great again!” Google my name if you want to know more about my achievements.

But certainly, I am not guilty of being the mastermind behind the global multi-billion-dollar 1MDB scam. I was just an intercessor or Mr Fixit, who helped make the deals and made some legitimate money for myself.

While others, including my close friends, associates and even leaders of countries have had their hands caught in the cookie jar, my hands are clean.

To call me a “mastermind” is a misnomer of sorts. Like Adnan Kashoggi and the lot, we were mere commission agents, but if we pocketed more than the deal itself, you have to credit our business acumen and our negotiating skills.

I am aware that in court proceedings, I have been painted by lawyers as the man who orchestrated the entire scam. I was accused of paying off managers and directors so that I could carry on stealing.

In business, compensating those who help in deals is a common practice. I am very generous when it comes to this. I have even rewarded journalists who have helped me in re-building my image. It is no secret. Look at the lifestyles of some who have always understood my motives.

I must confess that I have taken children and friends of politicians to casinos and strip-joints and occasionally thrown in a painting or two to maintain good relationships. What’s wrong with this?

Sometimes, friends make a big purchase to placate their wives, knowing that there’s not enough in the account to cover the purchase. When their credit cards are not honoured, they make SOS calls to me.

What am I supposed to do? If I tell them “sorry”, it is the end of my business relationship. Therefore, I always offer a little help, calling contacts and moving money from one account to another.

The Malaysian media refers to me as a fugitive, but there are some who still call me Mr Low or Mr Jho because I have not been convicted and I am staying away because I can’t get a fair trial.

Do you remember that I have already kau tim (settled) with the US Department of Justice? Everyone wants to know what I settled for US$1 billion if I was innocent. It’s a simple business rule, lah. If you have thirty to forty, just give away one, lah. It is just throwing a bone to the dog so that it does not bother you anymore. In return for that one, you possibly could get another fifty! Ask all the Chinese towkays who line up with briefcases in ministerial offices.

My lawyers are now in talks with the DOJ to drop all remaining charges and there are encouraging signs, but no one would believe me. That also I can kau tim.

So my PR agency helped repair the damage to my reputation with a series of activities. I can’t tell you how much (it cost me an arm and a leg). There was no itemised billing, but how much they paid, and to whom, are none of my business.

Let me reiterate that I am no thief but a middleman. If businessmen and politicians are greedy stupid (gullible would be the wrong word), why then blame me for their follies? Like Caesar’s wife, I am above all suspicions.

Low Taek Jho Esquire

Leader of the Free World

Lead advocate of the rule of law

Philanthropist

Protector of the down-trodden

Voice of the unprotected

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R NADESWARAN is a veteran journalist who sometimes ventures into satire to maintain his sanity because there are too many fairy tales being passed off as news. Comments: citizen.nades22@gmail.com - Mkini