Read all about it: great books about ‘great Malaysians’

 

It’s the season for giving. With Christmas approaching and all, give, and give generously.

While there’s giving as in giving gifts, there’s also the uniquely Malaysian way of giving as in whacking, or better expressed colloquially as taroh or hantam.

These two words, most likely, started out as Malay words. But they’re now truly Malaysian words, just like 1MDB, Bossku, Keluarga Malaysia, Timah and other recent linguistic inventions.

I’m sure soon enough somebody will become offended about their use, but for now let’s continue using them until or unless the Cabinet tells us otherwise.

Given most Malaysians aren’t Christians (I could be wrong here), and we don’t have a gift-giving tradition over Christmas as what the Christians have for 2,000 years (I could be wrong here too), let’s start by giving books as gifts.

However, Malaysians hate reading books. So rather than read them, why not write them? Let’s publish titles that praise our friends (and relatives), annoy our enemies, occasionally score an own goal, and which, for some, will buy 15 minutes of fame.

There’s a flood of books coming out now. I’ve read none of them as I’m waiting for my free gift copy, or at least a heavily discounted one, before I can read and do them justice.

But heck, it’s more fun to comment about books without reading them, so here goes.

There’s a book written by what’s-his-name entitled “What’s-His-Name”. There’s another book being teased about called “Apa Nama” by another what’s-his-name (note: this is not a translation of the first book).

Even foreigners are writing tell-all books about Malaysian politics – assuming they’re actually telling all and aren’t holding anything back for the sequels or for fear of retribution should their political targets make a comeback.

The books, or rumours about the books, or teasers about the books, have put some noses out of joint. However, like some movie trailers, these could very well be the best parts of the books. We’ll soon find out (in my case, when I get my free copy).

It seems most of the books published in Malaysia lately are either by prime ministers (or ex-prime ministers) or are about prime ministers or prime minister-wannabes by their offspring, siblings, enablers or flunkeys.

Given we’re averaging two prime ministers per year of late, the future looks bright for the Malaysian publishing industry. We’ll be inundated with books by and about prime ministers for a long while to come.

This makes me want to write a book too. But not being a prime minister, much less a repeat prime minister, or a child of a prime minister, or a sibling or even a flunkey or enabler of one, the perspectives I can offer are decidedly boring.

I don’t know where the bodies are hidden and where the cash, gold and jewellery are stashed.

But I too want to settle scores, rewrite history, claim credit, deny responsibility or at least boast about being an author. I should do it now while they are still teaching kids in schools how to read.

I can write about our superhuman prime ministers overachieving their KPIs. But most Malaysians wouldn’t pay RM50 for a book like this – they expect there will be RM50 in the book when they get it (and more than RM50 during election time).

I’d love to write about the Malaysian Dream – that anybody can be anything he or she wants, even a prime minister. And indeed, any Tong, Vig and Mamat (err, maybe not Tong and Vig) can indeed become a prime minister, and often does.

I could write about the quality of our leaders sitting at the top of the heap in Malaysian politics. But people may start to focus on the heap instead, and about how it flows downwards and into our rice bowls and makes us ill.

I could write about the problems facing the country – the ineptness of our Covid-19 response, the pandering to the bigots and the mountainous debts we’re leaving our future generations. But hey, never having achieved 90% of anything, who’d believe me?

I definitely could write about the increasingly tough future Malaysians face, and the many white flags that have been flown, but which prime minister current or past cares about this? And apparently, white flags are illegal in some states anyway.

I guess I could write about the disappearing democratic guardrails of checks and balances and law and order, the lack of civility in our discourses and the inexorable march towards failed statism, but nahhhh, I won’t.

If I cannot decide at all on what to write, I could write about how great our politicians and public servants are, but works of fiction generally don’t sell well.

I may try my hands on writing about religion but I’m not qualified. It takes decades of study before I can become learned enough to say “It’s God’s will”. It’s not as easy as many people think.

I’m quite good at fiction so I can ghost-write somebody’s autobiography. It won’t sell of course but the subject will buy 500,000 copies for free distribution so there could be some money in it for me.

Writing itself can be tough, so I think I’ll plagiarise, which is a pretty common thing in Malaysia. I need to shop around for a PhD or two, but it turns out that’s pretty common too.

I’d probably also need to join a university and be a lecturer in order to write and plagiarise. However, we have so many universities, and selecting the right one can be tough.

I’d pick a private university and ghost-write an autobiography for the billionaire who owns it, writing about his humble beginnings as a son of a tycoon from which he crawled his way up to all the government contracts and licences that he won purely on merit.

So, here goes: Adzhar Ibrahim, Ph.D (2x), Lecturer at the University of Malaysia Boleh; Probationary Member of the Council of Professors; Special Adviser to an Adviser to the Prime Minister; Trusted Senior Aide (currently writing a book), and Consultant to the Ministry of Sigh Education.

The book’s provisional title is: “Everything in The Universe, And Some Other Stuff Too.”

If any of the billionaire’s politician friends end up as a prime minister, even if only for a few months, then I’ll have my own book about a Malaysian prime minister down the road. Maybe even two books if the guy comes back as a repeat prime minister.

Like the other writers, I may not have anything of much interest to share. I don’t have many powerful enemies to settle scores with, though I may make some after this book – a sequel may be on the way! - FMT

The views expressed are those of the writer and do not necessarily reflect those of MMKtT.