SUNDAY JOKES - 111

 

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. 

However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown!

During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: "Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?"

The husband replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life!"

Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

A: You get all the information you need but you cannot understand a single word of it!

Joe’s dad scolded him for breaking a neighbour’s window with a baseball.

“What did he say to you when you broke his window?” asked the father.

“Do you want to hear what he said with or without the bad words?”

“Without, of course.”

“Well, then, he said nothing!”

After school, little Johnny and his brother went ice fishing. 

Little Johnny starts drilling on the ice when a voice from above says, "Young man, there's no fish down there.”

Little Johnny asks his brother, "Who is that?"
His brother replies, "I don't know."
So little Johnny starts to drill again and the voice says again, "For the second time, there's no fish down there."
Little Johnny asks his brother, "Could that be God?"
His brother replies again, "I don't know."
Little Johnny starts drilling again and the voice says once more, "Young man, for the last time, I'm telling you there's no fish down there."
Johnny looks up and asks, "Is that you, God?"

The voice says, "No, I'm the manager and the rink is closed!"

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. 

Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day.

When he came to senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck!" 

Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?

A: Getting jail time and getting robbed by hiring an attorney to defend you!

It was three o'clock in the morning and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" 

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. 

"It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

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