TUESDAY JOKES - 112

 

A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand.

He decided to open it.
Inside was a genie.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."

The man thought about his first wish and decided, “I want 1 billion dollars transferred to my Swiss bank account.

POOF! The money was deposited into his account.

Next, he wished for a Ferrari red in color.

POOF! There was the car parked right in front of him.

He asked for his final wish... "I wish I was irresistible to women."

POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates!

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.

After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here, I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

"Just yesterday!" replied the man.

A robbery at a school in Providencia, Chile was foiled when the pupils laughed at the perpetrator of the crime, reports the local newspaper Las Ultimas Noticias.

The teachers, pupils and parents had been watching the rehearsal of a play which began with the words, 'This is a robbery'.

The criminal used these words and the audience collapsed in fits of laughter. So taken aback, the robber snatched the registration money and fled from the school into the arms of the police who were on their way having been alerted to the robbery!

A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.

Everything he tries to hit, he tops, balls only going about 20′ and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters,” If I don't connect with this one, I'm going to jump in that lake and drown myself!”

Pro looks at him and says” I don't think you can do it.”
“Why not” He asks.
Pro says “I don't think you can keep your head down that long!”

What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women?

Exchange him!

After five years of toil at a Wall Street law firm, an associate was burning the midnight oil at his office.

Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a tower of smoke burst from the floor. Satan stepped out of the smoke and addressed the lawyer. 

"I understand you'd give absolutely anything to be made a partner," said the devil, "So I've come here to make you an offer. I'll make you a partner but in return I will take the souls of your wife, your parents, your children, your grandchildren and all of your friends."

The lawyer looked strangely puzzled and thought hard for several minutes. 

Finally, he turned to Satan and asked, "What's the catch?"

A Norwegian went to a museum. The tour guide was explaining: "This sword is over 2000 years old."

The Norwegian paused for a second to think about it and then asked: "How is that possible? We are only in the year 1998!"

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"

The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"

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