SATURDAY JOKES - 22

A young man and woman were eager to enjoy a picnic in the park one Saturday noon, and they opted to go through a fast-food drive-in for a quick snack.
They ordered, paid, got their bag of goodies, and headed for the park. When they opened the bag, it was full on money instead of the hamburgers they expected.
They rushed back to the fast-food place and returned the money.
"This is WONDERFUL," exclaimed the manager. "We've been looking for this money all morning and couldn't figure out where it could have been misplaced. You two are an honest couple. A lot of people would not have the morals and honesty to return the money. I'm going to call the TV and the newspapers and let everybody know what an honest deed you've done."
"Uh, don't do that," says the man, "my wife might see it on TV."

 

The man who hated fake politeness was so renowned when he died, they preserved him in formality hide.

 

I was recently sharing with my father how bad my college football team had lost to a major rival 58-0 and that it couldn't get any worse. 
Dad, in his infinite wisdom, indicated, "The score could have been 65-0."

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

 

Priest 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people are converting to the Quaker faith.
Priest 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best friends are becoming quacks!

Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... 

What was I talking about? 

I'm so hungry right now.

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant and saw that the sandwiches were named after planes. 
"I'll have a 'jumbo jet'," he said. 
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. 
He then called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet'?" he asked.
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datsun 240-Z was the car to get. So, the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".
The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"
The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."
Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.
The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

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