TUESDAY JOKES - 25

 

Two Viagra pills walked into a bar. They sat down next to two marijuana plants who were engrossed in an animated discussion. 
"I don't get it," one marijuana plant said to the other, "Why aren't we legal? Nobody's being hurt by us."
One of the Viagra pills scoffed at them. 
The marijuana plant turned to him and asked, "What's your problem, don't you think we should be legal?"
"No", the Viagra pill replied. "We're hard-on-drugs."

"Yoda, are you sure we're headed in the right direction?"
"Of course, we are..."

 

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"
The wife sighed and got him a beer.
Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"
She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"
The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."
The man sighed and said: "It has started."

Follow this sentence: children who can't pay attention are considered to have a disorder. 

Children, who can't pay attention? I don't know, they just won't focus. 

There are seven. 

That could be the issue!

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple of days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. 

I saw myself naked, and I said, Holy cow, I'm the White Man. I've heard a lot of bad things about you.

 

A fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.
Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest on Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.
Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare his skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his rifle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. 

The fox died later; Tanjug added.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. 

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for RM 20 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly RM 1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over RM 2 million and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally, he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

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