SATURDAY JOKES - 54

 

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged down. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for RM 100. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.
Doctor: Your tonsils have to come out.
Patient: I want a second opinion.
Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once.

But the holes were too small.

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.
One day Sara came up missing.
It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. 

The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."
"What is the bad news", asks Jody?
"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."
"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?
The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crabs off her, we decided to leave her there for another 3 days."

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So, I got some duct tape and taped my willy to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So, I got to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress I have ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."

“People think I hate sex. 

I don’t. 

I just don’t like things that stop me from seeing the television properly.”

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before; I'll let you decide where you want to go."
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?"
Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bill's face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. "This is great," he thought, "if this is Hell, I can't wait to see heaven."
Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.
Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.
"So, how is everything going?" God asked.
Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! It's nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place....with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?
"That was the demo," replied God.

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