SUNDAY JOKES - 55

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own ... so does she."

Teacher: What is a synonym?
Student: A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the other!

A young seminary student went home for Christmas break. A horrible snowstorm stranded the regular minister in another town. The leaders of the congregation asked the young man to substitute for the regular minister. 
The young preacher started his sermon by explaining the meaning of a substitute. "If you break a window," he said, "and then place a piece of plywood over the hole - that's a substitute." 
After the sermon, a well-intentioned woman wished to compliment the young man. As she enthusiastically shook his hand, she said: "You were no substitute. You were a real pane!" 

What does the left leg of a blonde say to her right leg? 
Nothing they have never met.

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'
Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days.
George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'
Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

 

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I told my boss that three companies were after me, so I needed a raise in salary to stay in the current job. 
He asked me which companies.
I told him GEC (gas, electricity, and cable)!

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a watering hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life.
By chance today, a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes... Bear, you go first."
The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet and immediately put it on.
The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well," Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish, the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay..."

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