THURSDAY JOKES - 56

 

Two women came before the wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. 

"This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.
"No! He agreed to marry my daughter," said the other.
And so, they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half. 

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.
But the other woman said, "Oh Sir, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

What did the egg say to the boiling water? 
I don't think I can get hard, I just got laid this morning!

Did you hear about the new computer virus? 
It's called the "Lorena Bobbit Virus". 
Apparently, it turns your hard drive into a 3-inch floppy!

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. 
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead his people out of Egypt. 
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. 
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all his people were saved." 
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. 
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

A man is in a restaurant where a pianist is playing in a corner. 
"Do you play things on request?" calls the man to the pianist. 
"Oh yes, sir," says the pianist. 
"Great," says the man. "Play dominoes."

"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't see where the ball went."
"Well, you're 75 years old now, Jack, why don't you take my brother Scott along?" suggested his wife.
"But he's 85 and doesn't even play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," his wife pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway. 
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forgot."

Everyone told Sam not to sing... 
But Samsung anyway.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So, the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.
However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.'
'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

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