SUNDAY JOKES - 58

 

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. 
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross." 
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..." 
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." 

The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. 
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything. 
Then all of a sudden, from all the way back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

He: Why did you put on these high-heel shoes? It seems so inconvenient for you to walk.
She: I thought you liked tall girls.
He: I like clever girls.
She: That's why I've put on the glasses...

What do you say to comfort an English teacher?
They’re there, dear.

A lady walks into the drug store and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. 
The druggist asks, "Ma'am, what do you want with arsenic?"
The lady says, "To kill my husband." 
"I can't sell you any for that reason," says the pharmacist. 
The lady then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a woman in a compromising position, the man is her husband and the lady is the pharmacist's wife and shows it to the pharmacist. 
He looks at the photo and says, "Oh I didn't know you had a prescription!"

A woman in labour suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"

"Don't worry", said the doctor. "Those are just contractions".

If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. 

Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! 

The blockage will almost instantly be removed.

If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish." 
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want. "The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me." 
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says ‘nothing's wrong,’ and how I can make a woman truly happy." 
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge.

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