SUNDAY JOKES - 288

 

A typical Malay Padi Growing Village at Kedah, Malaysia

AN ANGPOW FOR A THIEF WITH VALUE ADDED ADVICE !

A senior university professor had just retired. 

He and his wife lived in a Condominium in  Lucky Gardens in Bangsa Park.

For Diwali , they decided to visit their son who lived abroad. 

Before leaving, the teacher thought to himself:

“While we’re away, what if a thief breaks in? He might smash open cupboards and make a mess everywhere, even though there’s no money in the house!” 

So, to save his home from being wrecked, he placed Rm1000 on the table along with a note. 

"Dear Unknown Thief,

Heartfelt congratulations for the effort you’ve taken to break into my house!

But unfortunately, I’m a middle-class retired teacher living only on my pension. So there’s nothing valuable here.

I feel bad that your hard work and precious time will go to waste. 

So please, as a token of respect for your effort, accept this small amount. 

Also, to help you become more successful in your profession (theft),

I’m giving you some tips: 

On the 8th floor – lives a corrupt  officer who works in the Transport Department. 

On the 7th floor – lives a crooked property dealer. 

On the 6th floor – Chairman of a co-operative bank who is reported to have swindled lots of people. 

On the 5th floor – a big industrialist who manufactures ’fake’ products. 

On the 4th floor – a famous lawyer. 

On the 3rd floor – a corrupt politician. 

All these people have mountains of gold and cash. Your ‘business success’ won’t trouble them one bit because  they won’t even complain to the police!”

After Diwali, when the teacher returned home, he found a large bag on the table. Inside it he found 3 million in cash!

And a letter —

"Respected Guruji, 

Heartfelt thanks for your guidance and teaching! I followed your advice and my mission succeeded! 

I’m leaving this small amount as a token of gratitude. May I continue to receive your blessings and wisdom in the future too...

Your disciple – The Thief. "

The teacher read it and laughed, saying —

“Aiyo! I thought I had retired,

but it seems my teaching career still continues!”🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 good idea

 

When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils…they dilate!

 

What comes out of your nose at 150 mph?

Lambogreeny!

 

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”

A business partner of mine in the Philippines went bald many years ago, but still carries around an old comb.

He just can’t part with it!

 

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.

As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the remaining buttons out of his shirt and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.

A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the Church.

When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.

“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons!”

 

Why didn’t the toilet paper make it past the road?

It got stuck in a crack!

 

While taxiing at London’s Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United Airlines 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: “US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it’s difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you’ve screwed everything up! It’ll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don’t move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?”
“Yes, ma’am,” the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging with the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: “Wasn’t I married to you once?”

As usual, we remind you to take your Memo Plus Gold daily. It will help to keep you alert and mentally sharp. For more information or to order for Memo Plus Gold, please visit : https://oze.my