We should play strip poker.
You can strip and I’ll poke you!
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said “You know – it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!”
To this, the other blonde replies “I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her!”
Let’s play carpenter.
First, we’ll get hammered, then I’ll nail you!
A priest is driving along the Federal Highway and gets stopped for speeding in Petaling Jaya. The police officer smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. The police officer says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Happiness is walking through the green grass barefoot….
Misery is walking through the green grass barefoot and then discovering it’s a cow pasture littered with dung!
A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.
The genie said “I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.” The man agreed, and said “I wish I had a mansion.” The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.
The man said “I would like a million dollars.” The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, “Scare me half to death!”
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher’s expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, ‘Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us’.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, ‘Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!’
The entire congregation said, ‘Amen
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, “What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: “I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I’ll have enough parts for another one!”
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils…they dilate!
What comes out of your nose at 150 mph?
Lambogreeny!
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): “Because you lost the bloody war!”
A business partner of mine in the Philippines went bald many years ago, but still carries around an old comb.
He just can’t part with it!
A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons.
As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the remaining buttons out of his shirt and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.
A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the Church.
When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.
“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons!”
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