SATURDAY JOKES - 100

 

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."
She went over to the machine and put her nickel in and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing but decided to try it again. She put her nickel in, and out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds. You're going to Chicago; Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong. I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From out of nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and started playing beautiful music.
Startled, she looks back at the machine and said, "This is incredible! I've got to try it again!

Back to the machine she went, put her nickel in and another card came out. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois, and you're going to break wind."

Now, the nun knew the machine was wrong. "I've never broken wind in public in my whole life!" Just then, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.
Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it one more time."
She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!"

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously!

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when they came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and travelled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".
The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.
To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by its clover!"

The dentist pulls out a Novocain needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 

'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'
The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.'
The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!'
It doesn't' said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!

 

I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today!

A beautiful, sexy, good-looking lady was sitting next to a guy in a plane.
The lady said to him, "Can you help me remove something from my breast please?"
The exciting young man replied, "Wow! It will be my pleasure. So, what is it?"
"Your eyes, idiot!"

Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation.
The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Magic Willy!"
The husband said, "The what?"
The man repeated, "The Magic Willy," and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"
The man then pointed to the door and said, "Magic Willy, door!"
The willy rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle...
Then the man said, "Magic Willy, return to box!" and the willy stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Willy. She undressed, opened the box and said, "Magic Willy, my crotch." The willy shot to her crotch.
It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough... She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Magic Willy thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Magic Willy, my ass...!"

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