SATURDAY JOKES - 98

 

A blonde wanting to earn extra money decided to do odd jobs for her wealthy neighbours. At the first house, the owner said, "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge? "RM 500" she replies.
The man agrees and gives her the paint and brushes and goes back in the house. The man's wife overheard their conversation and asked him if she had realized that the porch goes all around the house. "She should. She was standing on it"
A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You've finished already?" the man asked.
"Yeah, and I had paint left over so I gave two coats."
Impressed the man reaches for the money. "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porsche. It's a Lexus!"

Occasionally you hear about a really dry spell in Texas.
I always thought the stories are exaggerated until I got a birthday card last week.
They attached the stamp with a staple!

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. 

Wear them one day after your boss does. 

This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you!

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate.
I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the person who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family." No one moved!
The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart, you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared!

Mommy, Mommy! Suzi got run over by a steamroller.
Shut up. I'm in the bathroom, slide her under the door!

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. 

For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom!'

Mommy, Mommy! I like my brother very much.
All right, you can take another slice!

"I had a girlfriend that was so fat, her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat, she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat, she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had the girlfriend that was so fat, her bikini was made out of two king-sized bed sheets."

"I knew a girl that was so fat that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
"I knew a girl that was so fat that... She uses a septic tank for a toilet!"

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